Imagine this. It’s a quiet Sunday like any other, and you take your cup of coffee and pitter-patter to your back porch. Settling into your rocking chair, you take in the scenery of early morning for a moment. ‘Ah, what the heck,’ you think. ‘I’ll check my phone.’ You open Instagram, wondering what people are up to. Gasp. There it is. The flurry of couple photo after couple photo after couple photo. You scroll for hours, your thumb beginning to cramp up, but they don’t seem to end.  Your coffee is cold. The sun eventually goes down. There you still are, scrolling with disgust.

Some might say you’re bitter or jealous as a single person, but you know this isn’t true. You’re trapped in a miserable, loveless marriage, and take it upon yourself to take offense to Valentine’s Day on behalf of people in miserable, loveless marriages everywhere. More than that, you’re offended for everyone, the single pringles and even the dopamine-high people celebrating Valentine’s Day, since they obviously don’t know the atrocity they’re committing.

It would be better to have no day dedicated to romance. No falling in love, either. Do away with it altogether. Make it a crime. Arrest people, tax them. To be frank, all this talk of love has been destroying our beautiful American culture of chastity and placid tranquility. Valentine’s Day is plenty immoral in concept, not to even mention how every facet of it is repulsive as well.

Shall we begin with the color scheme? Sheeeeesh. At least Christmas colors are complementary, but who in their right mind decided on pink and red? Honestly, it’s fitting though for such a vomit-inducing holiday. People on the street seem to wear it with no problem, too. If we want to be politically-correct, no self-respecting feminist would ever wear pink. The color red can slide though, as it is the color of menstrual blood and communism. So ladies, if you’re truly empowered, please burn your pink dresses and boing-ing heart headbands.

Speaking of hearts, who decided this pulsing organ filled with blood should symbolize romance? Only a holiday as vile as Valentine’s Day could have such sick origins. As for the valentines themselves, heart-shaped or not, they couldn’t be less eco-friendly. Every year, over a hundred-thousand tree lives are claimed as people mercilessly smother their paper in glitter and ink with no consideration for the environment. We have to put an end to this annual tree genocide and take a stand against all forms of romantic appreciation. Nobody should be giving anyone cards that say, “Who needs chocolate when there’s eye candy like you around?” Cue upchuck reflex. Even if the card says, “You suck less than most people,” it’s affection and it has to GO.

I know you’ll agree with me when I say all the laughter and PDA is too much to take in general, much less concentrated into one sickening day when even search engines are digitally decorated with frills and gay penguins. We can’t even google without being reminded of Valentine’s Day. For the sake of our children and future generations, it is only fit we abolish this suffocating ritual of romance and brainless lust. The obsession over “love” everyone seems to be submerged in is the real “pandemic”, sheeple, wake up.