DISCLAIMER: This is satire and was written by a lesbian.

Since its surprise drop in July, Taylor Swift’s album folklore has wormed its way into the hearts of millions, displaying this ethereal woman’s incredible range of musical talent. Some would even go as far as to call this the greatest musical masterpiece of our generation (because it is), and many fans have quite strong opinions on their favorite song and their personal connections with the album. I’m not calling myself an expert on all knowledge of Taylor Swift, but I am incredibly smart and talented and better than you, and so is my fellow Swiftie, Miriam Feigin. We have collaborated to bring you the end-all-be-all of folklore psychoanalyses- what your favorite song off the album actually says about you. We will be mean about it.

the 1 – So have you actually had an unrequited love that you’ve been thinking about too much, or do you just read a lot of Wattpad fan fiction? So much yearning in that tiny, shriveled heart.

cardigan – Again with the yearning! A common theme with you Swifties; it makes me sick. If you have actually found someone who, when you felt like an old cardigan under someone’s bed, put you on and said you were their favorite, we’re happy for you. But if that’s not you and this is still your favorite song, maybe if you stopped listening to Taylor Swift, you’d have a significant other.

the last great american dynasty – You’re a sucker for good storytelling. If you identify with Rebekah, I’m not sure whether to be terrified of you or if I want to be your best friend. I hope you find the Bill that you’re looking for and steal all his money, then be nuts for the rest of your life, you deserve it.

exile – So I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume someone got with the person you were crushing on even though “you gave them so many signs.” Spoiler alert: no, you didn’t. I hope you recover from your mental illness soon, you were better than whatstheirname anyway.

my tears ricochet – You are a very spiteful person. But not without good reason, because people are The Worst, and you’re tired of being tested. All. The. Time. But maybe consider that you are Part Of The Problem- everyone sucks because you suck, too. Think about it!

mirrorball – You need to be the center of attention at all times because you will literally die if you’re not. So I’m going to assume quarantine was hard on you, too. Or you became TikTok famous. Or both. The constant need for attention is understandable, but for the love of all that is good and holy, please find a therapist. 

seven – Again with all the yearning! You wish you could go back to the innocence and carelessness you had as a child, because now you have to exist and be perceived all the time (exhausting, I know), and apparently, it’s not socially acceptable for you to throw a fit in the middle of a Target anymore. Escapism is great, but so is participation in society! And homosexuality! Who says you can’t do both?

august – I’m noticing a common theme here. Is your crush just straight up not into you? Did you try to have a summer fling with someone before you realized that they were hung up on someone else the whole time and they were never yours to lose? I’m just trying to get to the bottom of what made you like this.

this is me trying – Oh dear. Those first few months of quarantine must have done quite a number on you. And life in general, I think. You know those cheesy posters of a cat hanging from a tree branch that say  “Hang in there!”? Yeah, well, that’s about all the advice I’ve got for you at the moment. Waiting anxiously for the day when you can be at a party without feeling like an open wound.

illicit affairs – You are currently having an affair. That’s the only plausible reason for this being your favorite. It’s either that, or you always feel like you’re coming in second place to someone else, and it manifests itself in this song about cheating on your partner. Or maybe you’re having a sexuality or gender crisis. No, I am not speaking from personal experience!

invisible string – You’re straight. Congratulations on finding your life partner or a great group of lifetime friends or something. No need to rub it in everyone’s faces.

mad woman – I don’t know what man hurt you, but I also know better than to ask why you would hate men. You are correct for hating men as much as you do. Misandrists unite.

epiphany – Maybe you can actually relate to this song because you have a loved one in the military. Or maybe you are just horribly, horribly sad, and put so much love into your relationships but don’t receive the same energy in return. Either way, there are better days ahead for you. Know your worth. 

betty – You probably fall in love with girls from a “man’s perspective,” huh? Not only are you 17 and don’t know anything, but you also probably hurt someone close to you, and now you’re making some sad attempt at damage control. Either that or, as mentioned before, you are just very thoroughly gay. Best of luck to you either way. 

peace – This is just invisible string but gayer. You’ve probably found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you also probably think they’re way too good for you, which could not be further from the truth. And yes, we’re all very happy for you, but there is no need to rub it in.

hoax – I’m not saying that you’re making your toxic relationship your entire personality, but I’m also not gonna dispute that claim. But seriously, get out of there. I know you probably feel like you can’t, and that all you have is their faithless love, but DO BETTER. We all know you can.

the lakes – You were a fan of the Eagle’s Eye cottagecore article, weren’t you? I hope you find your way to a cliffside pool where you can bathe with all your insurmountable grief, but until then, please keep all the yearning or to yourself or find someone else to do it with.