Here at the Eagle’s Eye, we’ve discovered a new way to keep the minuscule attention span of today’s screenagers hooked like fish on a rod. With this NEW method of article production, engagement is predicted to skyrocket exponentially, along with your dopamine levels! Okay… That’s when you’re supposed to say thank you.

Have you caught on yet? Kidding. Of course you haven’t. This EVOLVED method of writing has been hand-crafted in order to be virtually undetectable to the naked eagle eye. Speaking of, in the near future, Eddie will be humanely euthanized and replaced with the True God of the Nest, (who could easily beat up your dad)… Sludgester the Sludgester!

I can already tell you’re more invested than ever before. You need the Sludge. Musical.ly. Vine. Tiktok. Reels. Shorts. Think for a second (just for a second, I know it’s hard for you) would you have still sat through that 45-minute Minecraft Lost Media video essay if he was not the modern-day Rosa Parkour? Would you still have bought that Pillow Pet if you didn’t get some form of pleasure out of the way the advertisement overloaded your senses?

You disgust me. How can you reject Sludge when He is forward, delegating Him to lurk in the shadows, surviving off of his own masterpieces of collagery? He has invited you to dine so that you may consume in tandem, and you disrespect him in his own home? Sure, He may be on the uglier side. But to me, all that shows is His willingness to sacrifice vain “beauty” for a few seconds more of your attention, and I believe that this undying devotion to you is what true beauty looks like.

WHAT?! What do you mean I need “PERMISSION” to use “LICENSED CLIPS” from the hit adult animated “FOX” series “FAMILY GUY”?! Huh. Usually, people are too distracted by the Subway Surfers to notice. Looks like we’re gonna have to devolve to the boring, normie, snoozefest articles of old. Wait, Sludgester, where are you going? Hey, come back! SLUDGESTER!!!

Looks like you made him cry. Way to go, you harpy.