It’s not wrong to pick favorites, especially when it comes to public utilities. Today I will be guiding you through the vast world of Enloe’s boys bathrooms, using my extensive knowledge & expertise to provide you with the best opinion.
WORST
#5. 600:
The perfect mixture of freshmen, foreign languages, and arthropods? NON MERCI. The only reason one would ever venture down to these dank dungeons of the nest would be to escape from something even worse upstairs. It’s okay, Mr. Lewis scares me too.
#4. 1500:
Something about this restroom activates the dormant deviousness in many of us, prompting us to take out our screwdrivers and steal each & every utility within arms reach. Once, someone snapped out of the curse mid-lick and decided to leave the toilet in the middle of the bathroom. So, if you do enter, don’t forget to bring an incredibly powerful holy artifact to ward off whatever devious demon attempts to possess you.
#3. 1600:
I won’t judge you for choosing 1600, I’d just have some… theories. Everything from the mismatched tile to the unembalmed roach cadavers makes me want to hurl, although I’d be forced to do it right here because the stalls are out of order. Oh, you want to hear my theory about 1600’s ignoramuses? The truth is they’re all Imagine Dragons listeners. (It’s really true, all scientific…)
#2. 1800:
Are you too exhausted from algebra to walk that extra couple of feet to 1900, or are you just that lazy? It’s no matter, you’re not in Kansas anymore. You’ve left the bleak & gray lands of the East in favor of the various colorful hues of bodily fluid coating every wall. Leave your blacklight at home and your Totos safely in your shoes if you ever want to feel clean again.
#1. 1200:
Are you a lonely luncher looking for a respite from the chaos? Never fear! You have one (1) option during this trying time, that being bête noire 1200. Ironically, this bathroom may be even more chaotic than the halls you were hoping to escape, due to being home to a plethora of pathogens & parasites. Cocoons of various shapes and sizes line the ceiling, and if you’re unlucky, you may even stumble upon Sea Snippa in the urinal. What, you thought we only had roaches & millipedes here? Try flies, gnats, maggots, moths, fireflies, weevils, bears… how’d this place get so disgusting anyway? Are people using our student break rooms for secret… sinister purposes? That would explain the dreadful noises I keep hearing!
BEST
#5. 2600/2700:
If you would like to undergo the classic high school restroom experience, these are your guys. Sleek, utilitarian, simple, and 100% guaranteed to fulfill every last one of your bathroomcore dreams. You can be certain that we didn’t stop scrubbing these porcelain potties until we saw BLOOD, and that those sinks are filled with only the LUKEST of warm waters. The worst of the best, just how I like it.
#4. 1700:
If you were to make a Venn Diagram that compares listeners of Tyler the Creator and 1700’s connoisseurs, you’d end up with a circle. Those 1600s plebeians just don’t comprehend how the pristinely coordinated tile perfectly compliments the carefree lifestyle of the millions (1,000,000) of roaches living in the water fountains. If only they had the brainpower to agree.
#3. 1900:
From the beautiful artwork enveloping the walls to the wonderful scent of strawberry wafting through the air, there truly isn’t a better bathroom to skip gym class in. Two full-body mirrors are perfect for photoshoots. Prestigious emerald green paint highlights the murals. Stall square footage in the double digits. This restroom is sure to make you feel like a royal as you graciously exhale flavor onto your loyal subjects.
#2. 2200:
Now, this is how you do it! Shockingly, the full-sized mirror in this bathroom has yet to be deviously licked, allowing you to gaze upon all of your teenage glory in pure awe. If that’s not enough to seal the deal for you, there’s a quaint little bed next to the window just in case you’re ever feeling a tad drowsy during the day. At long last, we don’t need to sleep in class, thanks to Ol’ Willie G. Enloe providing for his students yet again!
#1. Staff:
This has been weighing on my heart for far too long. Yes, I have intruded on the sacred walls of a Staff restroom. I can’t apologize enough to those who feel I have betrayed their trust with my actions, but I can assure you all that I have changed & matured as a person. Look, now I use the objectively worse ones! It won’t happen again, I promise! Perhaps… this entire article was simply a way to cope with the cruel reality that I will never again step foot in a bathroom as gorgeous, as sanitary as the Staff one. It isn’t wrong to pick favorites, right? Especially when it comes to public utilities… right? Stop looking at me like that.
