One cold winter night in Belgium, residents of the fishing city Namur found themselves in a dilemma when the local river froze over. Their prized dish, fried fish, was off the menu. How would the citizens cope? As fate would have it, the frenzied fisherfolk found refuge in plucking potatoes when their precious prize pool unfortunately froze. Long strips of potato were cut and deep fried, and magic was made. Since that pivotal night, the French fry has grown to conquer the world. As different locales caught on to its genius, it has evolved significantly. Today, there are innumerable fry variations, all of which have their respective merits. However, in this gladiator battle called life, only one can reign supreme. Only one can be granted the highly coveted title of “Best French Fry.” Which, then, shall it be?
Honorable Mentions
Unfortunately, the fraudulently named cottage “fry” must first be eliminated from the competition. Not necessarily for any inherent shortcoming—a good cottage “fry” can be quite pleasant. No, where the cottage “fry” fails is in its nomenclature. It isn’t a fry at all. There is no strip of fried potato to be found here. A cottage “fry” is just a circular, fried slice of potato. When in his right mind, no man would categorize it as a French fry, and we at the Eagle’s Eye are left to wonder how this blunder could have possibly taken place.
Immediately following is the potato wedge. It counts as a fry, technically speaking, but only just barely. It’s essentially a chunk of potato. No crunch, no lovely golden coloring, just potato. The potato wedge is the bastard child of the French fry and the baked potato, and unfortunately, it inherited only the negative qualities of each.
8. Sweet Potato
Beginning with the worst, we have sweet potato fries. These puzzling anomalies go against the entire design philosophy of a french fry. Sweet instead of salty? Orange instead of yellow? This downright blasphemous Southern abomination is the Judas of french fries and should be condemned accordingly.
7. Normal
You might be thinking, wait just a second, benevolent author. If sweet potato fries are Judas, doesn’t that mean normal fries are Jesus and, therefore, saintly? Wrong, this buy-one-get-one-free discount McJesus is the farthest thing from holiness. When we know we can soar so much higher into the salty stratosphere, why stop so soon? The answer is that you’ve simply forgone your lust for life. You’re content to wallow in mediocrity like a pig wallows in its own filth. I’m going to throw up.
6. Battered
Next up, we have battered fries, and all we have to say is bravo. We managed to make french fries even more unhealthy. When we said to take risks in the normal fries bit, we didn’t mean put yourself ten minutes closer to the grave with every bite. Despite the extreme protestation from my arteries, we have to give credit where credit is due. They taste good. But that only brings its ranking lower in my book. This deceptive, malignant wolf has clothed itself in the coat of a tasty sheep, and the world at large is falling for it.
5. Waffle
Coming in fifth place, we present Chick-fil-A’s golden child, the waffle fry. Its unconventional, slightly disturbing, and almost rib-like shape has drawn controversy as to whether it should be considered a fry at all. However, the anti-waffle crowd is astoundingly incorrect, for a waffle fry is merely Fry2. More fry per fry. In addition, its pairing with CFA’s heavenly Polynesian sauce creates an idyllic marriage of sweet, sour, and savory. It’s the Shaq and Kobe of French fries and condiments. Points for potential.
4. Potato Smiles
Don’t let their giddy expressions fool you. Potato smiles are the definition of mid. Served at Enloe practically daily, they are the equivalent of your fake friend who smiles in your face but talks about you behind your back. Their passive-aggressive nature reeks into their taste and dampens the inherent luster of a french fry. While they are still your friend, they aren’t your best.
3. Steak
The steak cut is the older, slightly classier brother of the standard cut. These fries have a larger surface area, rendering them more satisfying to consume in large quantities. However, despite the warmth and security embodied by their design, these fat boys don’t possess enough taste-related merit to really fulfill their potential. At the end of the day, it’s just another slice of potato. Not enough innovation, not enough whimsy. At this point, just go to Home Depot and munch on the wood.
2. Crinkle
Crinkle cut: ergonomic, aerodynamic, futuristic. If the Jetsons had a favorite french fry, it’d be the crinkle cut. The genius of the grooves makes it intuitive and efficient when paired with dip, as the ridges automatically & effortlessly grip the sauce. This simple evolution removes the need for any exhausting and, frankly, unnecessary scooping action. Inspiring.
1. Curly
Curly fries are the pinnacle of potato. Their trademark cajun seasoning sets them apart from the boring tradition of light salt. Indeed, curly fries are anything but traditional. After all, this is the only fry that forces you to tilt your head back and tenderly lower it into your gaping mouth. It’s a visceral, sensual experience that everyone deserves to participate in at least once in their lives. We’re getting goosebumps just thinking about it. Shakespeare said, “Heavy lies the head that weareth a crown,” but we doubt this joyous spring of Spud’s head is very heavy at all.
French fries come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and styles, with every modification delivering a distinctive taste experience. From the satisfying crunch of battered fries to the hearty fillingness of steak fries, each variation has something unique to offer. Ultimately, the greatest french fry is subjective and hinges entirely on personal preference. With that said, it’s time for you, dear reader, to embark on your own personal journey of French fry discovery.
