Parents and teachers of Enloe, I understand the pain in every misunderstanding. The language of today is practically alien as the future endlessly encroaches on the sanctity of our oldhead world. But just like a sci-fi novel, allow me to be the MacGuffin translator that helps converse with the babbling creatures and their strange, strange expressions.
I will help you navigate these terms by starting simple, gradually getting more advanced, and finally ending with the most extreme and nuanced.
OPP:
An acronym standing for “Only Perfect Pairing,” could refer to friends, significant others, or beloved family members. Short and simple, this term shouldn’t prove too challenging to implement in your regular vocabulary due its multifarious nature. There’s no doubt that this placeholder, predicate nominative, and pet-name noun is forever my OPP.
“My number one opp is my very own mother.”
“Jared warned me about the pop quiz, opp behavior.”
“I caught Sadie and her opp sharing a passionate kiss.”
Locked-In:
Being ‘locked-in’ was a trend started on TikTok where teenagers compete on who could do the least work, whether it be around the house or in school. It references Locked-In Syndrome, which paralyzes the victim’s entire body, barring them from everything but observation. If you happen to ever hear your child announce that the challenge has begun, immediately have a severe and strict reaction to it. Instruct them to wash the dishes, and if they refuse, report them to the authorities ASAP. Immediate repercussions will be delegated appropriately, depending on the severity of the case and the victim’s devotion to the cause. Expulsion guaranteed.
“I’m locked in.”
This code-word is the key phrase, locking them into their new lifestyle. Keep an ear out.
On Muffin:
Devout MOG (Men Of God) have grown to dislike blasphemous phrases such as “on god” or “oh my god”, and in an incredible showcase of holy ingenuity, took matters into their own hands by crafting their own substitute. The phrase ‘on muffin’ was first reported in Raleigh and is spreading like wildfire. Conservatives & Democrats alike both agree that “on muffin” is far superior to the exclamations of yesteryear, and won’t hesitate to choose violence if they happen to hear a heretic taking the Lord’s name in vain.
“I’m not lying, that’s on muffin!”
“Oh my muffin… my condolences.”
“Muffin damn it all to Hell!”
Tinkle:
Popularized by prolific Bronx rapper, Ice Spice, the phrase Tinkle refers to an individual who’s ‘drip’ is so atrocious it can only be classified as colloquial excrement. A tinkle obviously cares about their appearance, but is physically incapable of fit-building anything better than an adult diaper. Isis “Even The Fart” Gaston’s newfound obsession with potty humor is certainly bewildering, but also strangely in character.
“[explicit] when tinkle pulls up (Grah)” ~ Ice Spice
Gyatt:
Be prepared for the most complex term on this guide, an elusive and transitive phrase with various evershifting meanings. Though keep in mind that these three definitions are merely the glimmer of a reflection in a shallow surface of a droplet in the vast neo-language ocean, where hundreds of definitions too esoteric even for me to decipher lie in wait.
Gee-yacht:
The traditional pronunciation of the phrase, used as an exclamation like “Yippee!” or “Wahoo!” from extreme excitement.
“I’m getting a new dog! GYATT!”
Guy-at:
Less common, but still notable, this pronunciation of the word describes the thing you’re excited about and functions as a noun.
“That gyatt brought my grade up to a 92!”
Gy-a-tt:
This variant of the word stresses the ‘a’, like in ‘acrobat’, and functions as a swear.
“What the gyatt is wrong with you?”
I do hope this guide aids you before your tragic untimely death. Yes, by the mere act of reading this article the dormant rot in your brain has reignited, and your lifespan suffers for it. As for me, I fear this may be my last contribution to the Eagle’s Eye. I can already feel the damp mold clawing at the final fragments of my right hemisphere due to my extended exposure to various irradiated cognito-hazards. I’ve never felt so skibidi.
