Dear Enloe student body,

It has become apparent to us, the staff of Enloe’s Eagle’s Eye, that you have not been utilizing the full capacity of our high school to find the best path to your classes. You choose to create brawls in the atrium and arrive late to the East building rather than realizing the powerful abilities of the Enloe High School building to ferry you to your destination. It is shameful. But to aid you in your journeys, we have formulated a list of the best-hidden ways to make the building work for you, not against you. Start minimizing your tardy passes with these hacks.

We’ll start simple, but as you master the transient hallways, you can begin to try some of our more advanced tricks. By the way, this was the only article sent out today. Please ignore any misinformation you may have received.

Shoving

The Brick Battleground, a colloquial term for the ramp leading away from the atrium, is ripe for honing your personal shortcut skills. In the case of this article, first is not the worst, it’s actually one of the most useful and versatile shortcuts on this list. Contrary to popular belief, choosing to start with something so supreme isn’t wasteful, as long as you’re not referring to your precious time. Imagine the Enloe halls as roads, where your number one obstacles are the pedestrians, and treat it accordingly by utilizing your sheer diesel to lead the charge and part the seas. Plus, mowing down road rivals with your newly honed talons does count towards your PE credits. Though be wary, these perks come with a price, that obviously being the all-powerful hand of Karma. Be prepared to be knocked down just as you have done to so many others. With this knowledge in mind, we have devised a multitude of alternative strategies in order to beat that bell without beating up fellow scholars.

Hill Beneath Library

Once you’re through with spreading your figurative literary (not to be confused with literal) wings, you may be inclined to go on a literature-esque journey of your own to the East building. The road-most-trodden to the East building represents the worst traits of nonfiction: no plot twists, no imagination, no excitement. Never fear, dear reader, for this shortcut is sure to fulfill all your whimsy wants and fancy-free needs. It connects the Towers and the Breeze way, making this the prime shortcut for traveling to and fro betwixt the east building and the west. However, beware of inclement weather and chilling winds that you will encounter while trekking behind the school. At this point, as you leave the comfort of the 600s hallway,  the rain might deter you, but I see it as a gift. Utilize your umbrella as a vehicle to propel yourself above the stair-climbing plebeians and short-cut through the wind like an all-American Mary Poppins.

Track to the Future

The greatest enemy of the Enloe student is the tardy pass, the little pink slips of terror with the power to ground even the strongest of eagle scholars. Looking to SOAR and avoid the disappointment of your teachers? Familiarize yourself with our very own time anomaly. Your fitness gram pacer tests and mile runs all led up to this shortcut. You’ll need to use your running skills for this step-by-step tutorial. First, run counterclockwise on the track, gain speed until you break the sound barrier, and soon you’ll start to see a green and gold portal begin to slowly manifest in the center of the track. It will envelop you and send you to the location and time you need to not be late to class, allowing you to slide into the doorway of your classroom with ease and amazing your friends with your punctuality and timeliness. It is important to note that the track does obey the physical and bell schedule limitations of Enloe High School, meaning you may only teleport to a time that has a warning bell. Otherwise, this special path is only bound by your physical skill. For those of you who think this is “impossible”, you need to hit the treadmill and train better as the staff of The Eagle’s Eye use this portal nearly every day. 

North Building

Like the brain, you aren’t utilizing the Enloe High School campus at 100% capacity. There are entire universities of untapped potential on the grounds that Big Loe has been trying to keep hidden for eons. Evidently, our efforts to breach the surface of this academic archaeologist exhibit have finally come to fruition as we uncover relics of different times day by day, such as the East Building pool, and more recently the North Building. This fossil is still somehow operational after all these years, lined with rows of escalators and moving walkways that are sure to prep the pep in your step. Needless to say, these uncharted lands are an indispensable tool in your quest to get an A in AP Agility. 

In order to find this not-so-time-honored-but-will-honor-your-time crypt, just grab a compass and follow it south!

Stay Inside

What most people don’t realize about the side stairwells is that they don’t stop going down. It’s easy to overlook, but you’d be a fool to simply stop at the stairs. If you choose to continue your descent, a sprawling celiac cavern of maze-like corridors awaits you. Welcome to the Enloetestines. You might have some apprehensions regarding relegating yourself to the bowels of the bird, as the treacherous halls might prove cumbersome to traverse quickly, but fear not because we have a simple solution for you. Practice makes perfect, as they say, and as you grow accustomed to the maddening entanglement of awesome shortcuts, speed will come naturally to you. Just make sure you steer clear from the Gizzard Witch, who will demand you answer her riddles two (a riddle got cut following our labyrinth department being downsized).

Your preconceptions might give you the disposition that ‘Super Dumb’ is an inherently bad thing, but at a competitive school like Enloe, being dumb is exactly what sets you apart from the crowd. Notions of politeness hold the common folk back, their brains too heavy to see that these barriers are breakable with the right set of horns. Take bulls for example, not intelligent by any means, but boy can they charge. Now, if this guide successfully changes your way of thinking (or rather, non-thinking), you’ll never be late to class again, no matter the cost.

Sincerely, 

The Eagle’s Eye