Last week, Jacqueline “Jenius” Jordan announced her retirement with the unveiling of a cutting-edge artificial intelligence system that she states will run the school just as well as she did, that being miraculously, obviously. “Meet our very own three-dimensional drone 13 thirty-fourth generation 13, also known as 3DD13 34G13.” says Jenius. “The thirteens don’t mean anything. It’s just for the acronym.”
While 3DD13 was heralded as yet another brilliant innovation from the bastion of intelligence herself, none could have foreseen the nightmare that would soon ensue, for the blinding glare of hubris hindered our flight path. Foreign policies were swiftly instituted, such as every American flag throughout the school being replaced with grainy images of our new principal, complete with a brand new Pledge of Allegiance (more on this later). Students and staff alike have begun to be dress-coded for failing to don the appropriate green and gold uniform, and changed the Lunenburg password, forcing us all to use the wretched wcpssguest wifi. The student body later deduced the new password was, in fact, password. “I didn’t think it would actually work.” remarks Noel, the anonymous student that first made the discovery.
Neo-Pledge of Allegiance
“I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the Eagle I am devout,
And I don’t mean the American eagle
I mean 3DD13 the number one AI in the entire observable universe and please get out
if you’re one of those filthy ChatGPT idolaters.
Amen.”
Along with this new-age pledge, The Loe Down was swiftly converted into a day-long chant, where our reporters are tasked with ceaseless praise to the droid by method of various hymns. Some examples include:
The Loe Down’s Top Hits
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie
To William I Am Eternally Grateful And To The Eagle I Am Devout
When I Survey The Wondrous Wings
Untitled Hymn (Come to Jackie)
A Mighty Fortress Is The Towers
This Monday, on one of 3DD13’s hourly hall patrols, a gaggle of angry students overpowered and knocked him to the ground. They first disabled his patented Student Atomizer before they could Student Atomize them, the process of which involved taking out a battery on his supercilium, and proceeded to rip apart various important wires and processors while he was defenseless. Luckily, 3DD13 managed to write them up in time, providing them no other choice but to cease their barrage and walk solemnly into the office. Nevertheless, after this incident, 3DD13 was no longer the same.
Lights begin to flicker at Enloe. Canvas pages are flooded with spam. Beloved teachers start being fired indiscriminately, seemingly without a pattern. “I could smell this coming a mile off.” says Mr. Constantino following his banishment. 3DD13 no longer leaves his office, not even for hourly patrols, and Enloe High has been plunged into chaos. What was once a tightly run machine shortly devolved into rabies-ridden IB students roaming the halls, rampant illegal betting on vicious food fights, and wayward staff members crawling across the walls. Let it be known, if you ever feel a viscous droplet from above, do not look up.
This Monday, without a principal to guide their way, both the student’s grades and the temperature breached the negatives as the heat shut down for good. Whoever’s left has resorted to burning their school uniforms for warmth, and books for fun. In this moment of hopelessness, the intercom started to buzz, but instead of instantly clicking back off like usual (not 3DD13’s fault, it just does that), sounds of a fight were heard throughout the school. The office had been breached, which was impossible for any student to accomplish due to the barbule wire, but this was no mere student. Beams of light shot forth, visible from miles away, as the two engaged in brutal combat. Could the principality’s power overpower artificial avarice? The answer turned out to be yes, as Jenius emerged from the battle holding the head of 3DD13 as a trophy. Jackie was backie.
