The author of this article had been awake for several weeks under the influence of a copious amount of caffeine, writing the following block of text in just under two minutes. The following may prove disturbing, readers discretion advised.
Should School Start Latere?
Science says teens need sleep, but what do they know? The next generation of Eagles is hard-boiled if their days start any later than how it’s supposed to be. The early bird gets the worm and the night owl gets mice, as they say. Neither of those sounds particularly pleasant but I trust you smell what I’m stepping in, as they don’t say. If it doesn’t work don’t fix it, and as it’s the case for our miseraculous school schedule only a single outlier of our great fiftee states has made the radical shift into a non-radical start time, that of course being California. Do we really want to be North Carofornia, capital Ralamento? I for one don’t want to follow in the footsteps of LA’s container. Plus, if we do move school forward, what will our poor, poor, poor buses do? Everything you hold dear will be thrown out of balance when our beloved bus drivers face these changes, or at least the three bus drivers we have left. We need to be stingy with our meager funding and we just can’t afford to displace our golden chariots over a will o’ the wisp, in other words our whims are just that, whimsical and I simply can’t foresee a future where… What am I talking about? Sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night or the night before that and that and I’m just reallykklfjk. Huh? I must’ve dozed off. Sorry, now that I’ve had a sip of Mountain Dew Code Red my head is clear so I’m sure I’ll write clearer too. Speaking from a strictly logistical standpoint, high schoolers are more capable than grade schoolers to handle earlier times because kids are naturally afraid of the dark. Therefore, we can’t do it because children will be too afraid to go to school in the morning even if they wake up earlier. I remember being scared of the dark as a kid, believing there was something shrouded in shadows, biding its time, wanting nothing more than to tear me apart. Not kill me, mind you, just wound me enough to ensure I live the rest of my life paralyzed and in constant pain. In a way, passing out and passing away aren’t too different. I agree! How am I going to be motivated to do my work without the familiar looming dread? Indeed, scholars are the modern-day daredevils, it’s really no wonder eagles are an endangered species. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, efficiency. Truth is, you don’t need any lunatic logistical daylight shavings to succeed in school, all you need is a little direction. Unlike homing pigeons, eagles can’t use the sun or the Earth’s magnetic field to align themselves, instead needing to rely on genius authors like me for guidance. Well, call me a cuckoo clock because you found me just in time! Actually, don’t call me that. Keep reading, and just like Eddiewise said, “bird of a feather, you’ll flock too’ in no time with the helpful secrets I’m about to birden you with! So, open your auriculars and listen up, scoot up, or both: “Sleep is like food. Neglect during the weekdays, gorge on the weekends.” This tried and true strategy is a sure-fire survival skill to get a surly eagle through the harsh hypersomniac impulses of an untrained mind. Every astute eagle knows this platitude by heart, prompting scientists to say ‘Egads!’, which almost sounds like ‘Eagle’ so honestly that’s a win in my bok
At this point, the author passed with all A’s of exhaustion.