Is there life after death? Are we alone in the universe? What’s the cure for cancer? Are zodiac signs real? All questions science still can’t answer, but today, I will. The answer… is yes. To all of them. I know, heady stuff to grasp when you already have so much on your plate, so I’ll just focus on one talking point, and maybe I’ll save the rest for a plateless day. Zodiac signs are certifiably, verifiably, undeniably, and super duper real and today I’ll prove it by reading you (yes, you) and your corresponding zodiac sign personality like an enloenews.org article. The proof is in the pudding, pudding, read ‘em and weep.

Aries – Cardiac Aries-t

To start this guide off, allow me to speak in a language you’ll understand: the average Aries doesn’t just cut in line and shove in halls, but coughs on you while doing it.

Dates: March 21 – April 19

• Competitive
• Conflict-prone
• Careless
• Contentious
• Calloused

Back in the day, the only cure for being angry all the time was an incision into the prefrontal lobe of the brain, known as a lobotomy. Obviously, it was for their sake, but nowadays we have modern solutions to deal with the incredible pain that comes with being a ram with heart palpitations. I actually knew an Aries who suffered Tachycardi-aries during a particularly bad coughing fit of rage. Luckily we had an Epi-Pen on hand, but back in the day simply sending an icepick through the skull to sever some arieteries in the frontal lobe was enough to calm a goading goatish soul. You have my sympathy, Aries folks, but then again I’d be pretty mad too if I had to eat hay and long grass all day.

Taurus – In Bed By Eight

Taurus, the embodiment of stability, hates big changes. Satisfied with the way things are, as they are. Malcolm X is the perfect example.

Dates: April 20 – May 20

• Consistent
• Obstinate
• Predictable
• Over-indulgent
• Lazy

Routine, routine, routine. Don’t try talking them out of anything, or talking to them at all for that matter, listening requires way too much effort. Generally boring, safe, and  predictable. I’m falling asleep even writing this, so if anyone reading this happens to be a Taurus, can you fetch me a coffee? My research compared you guys to pack-mules, so… Zzz…

Gemini – Why Did The Twin Cross The Cord?

Woah, am I seeing double~? Just kidding, Geminis don’t actually have split personalities. I just violently threw up and spontaneously contracted diplopia from the utterly despicable joke a Gemini just burdened me with.

Dates: May 21 – June 21

• Flighty
• Impulsive
• Humorist
• Superficial
• Expressive

Two-faced freaks get on my nerves. Superficiality being their specialty, Geminis are better known for fakeness than the word ‘meat’ in vegan meatballs. Never tell a Gemini anything, even if they pry, and they will pry. These nosy narks won’t hesitate to gossip almost instantly to anyone who will listen, and you might even be on the receiving end of some of this spiel-spilling, and hey, if that’s your thing go ahead and befriend a Gemini. Don’t come crawling back to me when everyone is talking about your debilitating crush on Rodrick Heffley.

Cancer – Cephaloconvolute

Just like real crabs, Cancers will never forget your wrongdoings. I found this out the hard way and now I’m on the lam from the Crustacean Mafia.

Dates: June 22 – July 22

• Clingy
• Reserved
• Petty
• Moody
• Untrusting

Don’t make any sudden movements. Don’t say anything wrong or they’ll despise you, don’t say anything right or they’ll never leave you alone. It’s best to keep your distance because next thing you know you’re within pinching range and finding out the real definition of clingy. Cancers tend to seek comfort in others, but their lack of trust usually causes them to close themselves off because even the slightest slight can provoke a deep-rooted grudge. Anyways, I’d steer clear.

Leo – Nonbelievers

A Leo defies labels, let it be known that these Gods among men are the best thing to grace this galaxy since sliced bread. Whoops, labeled them.

Dates: July 23 – August 22

• Domineering
• Egoistic
• Attention-seeking
• Possessive
• Arrogant

I don’t think I’ve met a single Leo who didn’t dismiss the concept of Zodiac signs entirely which, at least to me, just reeks of getting too big for your britches and not wanting to be clumped with the filthy common folk. And to that, I say, long live the king. Shun the nonbelievers, cast them off, and let them be trampled! When your own light is so polluting, how will you ever see the stars?

Virgo – Ze Virgo’s Vurld

“Erm, actually!” in human form. Why, stars, why?

Dates: August 23 – September 22

• Nit-picky
• Perfectionist
• Critical
• Overthinking
• Meticulous

I know way too many of these cretin. Well, I only know one, but to be frank that’s one too many. I have more fun trying to get my Snapchat AI named Stinker to LOL at my jokes than I have in simple small talk with their kind. Yes, I know my shoe’s untied. That’s the look I’m going for. Also I don’t know how to tie it.

Libra – Shear Scale

No joke, on the website I went on to research you guys, here were the choices listed under Best Careers: Hivemind, Socialite, and Instagram Model.

Dates: September 23 – October 23

• Indecisive
• Dependant
• Conflict-avoidant
• Aesthetically pleasing
• Fantasizer

Absolutely nothing is cookin’, good-lookin’. Sorry, but the stars just told me you’re dumb as a bag of mirrors, and just in case you forgot, it was the stars! Not me. Actually, just because I feel a little bad, I’m going to give some advice. From now on, don’t let yourself get led astray by others’ opinions, try to listen and rely on your own inner voice instead. Create your own destiny, don’t let some silly astrological mumbo-jumbo dictate your fate!

Wait a sec. If you listen to my advice you’d just be relying on someone’s opinion to decide for you again… Oh well, it was worth a try.

Scorpio – Should’ve Called This One Cancer

I’d rather be mauled to death than spend any meaningful amount of time around a Scorpio.

Dates: October 24 – November 21

• Secretive
• Obsessive
• Insufferable
• Vindictive
• Stubborn

If you’re a Scorpio, I don’t want to know you, not that I would know you in the first place because you’re just so unbearably secretive. They could all be Canadian spies for all we know, and we’d never know. Actually, scratch that, not Canadian, I’ve never once heard a Scorpio say ‘sorry’ in the entirety of my twelve years of living. These honorary incompatibles aren’t stars in my eyes, but rather twinkling blemishes in the shape of a clown shoe or a meathook (seriously, it’s only a scorpion if you really try to see one). Word of advice, cut all ties with every Scorpio you “know”, you’ll thank me in time. Obviously, this includes family members, friends, & significant others.

Sagittarius – The Home Team

In the extensive skimming I did for this article, these traits were the only ones that ever so slightly wavered my trust in the validity of zodiac signs. 

Dates: November 22 – December 21

• Boastful
• Judgy
• Blunt
• Unreliable
• Reckless

Now these are just plain wrong, I’m not blunt, I lie all the time! The only reason I’m even being honest about these traits I found is so that I can refute them! First of all, I truly am trying to become a less judgmental person, but it’s tough when you’re constantly handing me incredibly critiqueable performances on a silver platter. It’s the same reason I hate PDA.

Capricorn – Hello, I Like Money

I have never heard of a more off-putting creature than a half-goat, half-fish. Doesn’t even matter which half is which.

Dates: December 22 – January 19

• Intrigant
• Unforgiving
• Suspicious
• Greedy
• Organized

If I’ve learned anything in my eleven years of living, alliterative phrases tend to be true. Largely, lovers leave litigiously. Bed bugs burrow below blankets because these bloody butchers need busy bodegas, so be brainy and brush your bed. Capricorns are conniving crapshooters.

Aquarius – I’m Nothing Like Y’all

Whatever your entire friend group likes, I can guarantee you the Aquarius made sure they didn’t.

Dates: January 20 – February 18

• Contrarian
• Weird
• Moral high-horse
• Rebellious
• Detached

The masses are always corroding in the same mold, called the mainstream, meanwhile,  Aquarians are saying things like “You wouldn’t get it” because their entire identity is based on the edict of unquestionable uniqueness. The currents of counter-culture drive them upstream to imprint their unmistakable chemical signatures all over the weirdest media. Speaking of a grandiose self-image, the moral grandstanding of Aquarians is rivaled by no other. Cool your jets, it’s not like life’s a competition of who has the best Karma credit score or something. Oh no, wait, it totally is. Refer back to the article’s opening sentence.

Pisces – Minnowtaur 

A Greek tragedy in the form of a meek lil’ mind.

Dates: February 19 – March 20

• Delusional
• Sensitive
• Escapist
• Flaky
• Fearful

Haters will say the Minotaur is the symbol of Taurus, but they already have a mythological creature, that obviously being Karl Marx. The Minotaur represents the dreamy depths of our subconscious, the very same realm of the Pisces, a realm where fantasy and reality converge. Where the Minotaur is trapped, the twin trouts travel to escape the horror of math class. When dealing with a Pisces, the best advice I can give is to play Theseus and drag them out of that labyrinth. Bring tackle.

If you fall under any of the signs in this article, show how much you agree with my accuracy by pressing the like button because if you don’t, you’ll suffer a gruesome and entirely avoidable death involving a loose cable at the state fair. It’s true, my fortune cookie said so.