Disclaimer: This is a work of satire.
Studying: every high school student attempts it, but only a few succeed. If you’re one of the multitudes who wishes to improve your skills in this essential area, rejoice that your years of suffering have ended! The staff at The Enloe Eagle’s Eye have generously decided to provide our fellow students with a step-by-step guide of our very best studying tips. We hope you enjoy!
The Optimal Study Space
The first step for a successful studying session is creating a productive workspace, so make sure you have all your devices close by in case there’s anything you need to “research.” Naturally, that includes your phone, because there’s always the chance that you could receive an important Remind message from one of your teachers. Everything’s better with music, so find your most “wanna break from the ads?”-ridden playlist and blast it at maximum volume. (This ensures that if someone tries to distract you, you won’t be able to hear them.) If you have to spend the next five hours on a project, you might as well enjoy it… right?
Homework and Study Guides
Your teachers have probably given you some “homework” that they recommend that you complete. But if it’s not for a grade, is there really a point? Obviously, finishing your one pager, metacognitive reading log, and annotated bibliography should be at the top of your priority list, and you can worry about those calculus worksheets some other time. In the same vein, don’t be fooled by those “study guides.” Their primary purpose is to help you identify the topics that you don’t fully understand yet, but we’ve developed a much faster alternative: just assume that you already know everything! After all, Michelle Obama advises us to “make decisions based on hope and possibility,” and assuming that you know every vocabulary term from Human Geography definitely involves a significant amount of hope.
Consistency and Repetition
Over your scholastic career, someone along the way has most likely counseled you against the practice of cramming. It might be convenient for the old and wise among us to explain that “slow and steady wins the race,” but let’s be honest: does anyone want to be a turtle? We didn’t think so. Therefore, instead of reviewing the content in small pieces over several days, why don’t you just save all of it for the night before, guaranteeing that it will be fresh in your memory? Also, you may have heard that it’s helpful to study at a consistent time and place, creating a routine. We’re not so sure about that, as a repetitive lifestyle might increase the risk of cognitive decline later in life. You’ll probably find your tasks much less forgettable if you work on them in a different location everyday—we recommend trying out your closet, washing machine, and under your bed for an especially memorable experience.
Breaks and Rewards
Do you find studying for hours on end to be rather depressing? We do too! Society may be sending the message that your worth is derived from how much pain and effort you put into your tasks, but don’t be afraid to swim against the tide. Trust our expertise: there’s nothing wrong with taking a break every now and forever. It doesn’t have to just be after a big win; every step along the way is worth celebrating. You finished one of your forty math problems? Congratulations! Reward yourself! When they tell you to “stop and smell the roses,” the key word is “STOP.” After all, when you’re gray-haired and elderly, do you think that you’ll regret not spending more time on your physics homework…? We’ll let that one sink in for a moment.
Finding Outside Support
America is an individualistic nation, but face the facts: life is better with friends. (Notice the “s” at the end of “friends”? That means more than just your AI chatbot.) So remember, if you’re staggering under the workload of seven AP classes, you don’t have to suffer alone—we can suffer together! Reach out to your teachers or classmates about any questions you have, and schedule an appointment that’s conveniently during class time with your counselor for additional support. And don’t forget to reserve time for social activities, like talking to someone… anyone……
Of course, The Enloe Eagle’s Eye will always be there for you, whether you’re seeking updates about the latest Enloe activities or just need to think about something other than your APES lab report. We wish you the best of luck in your studying ventures!
