Just in time for summer, many of Enloe’s most UV-challenged Eagles are getting the help they need from Enloe Take Action Now, or Enloe TAN. On April 1, you can drop off donations of sunscreen or contribute directly to the Enloe ginger cause with a gold coin transfer to Student Services.
The Sun’s rays have been plaguing the Enloe ginger population since 1963 when William G. Enloe decided that the atrium needed to have such large windows. The atrium traffic during class changes stops many students from moving quickly through the photic exposure zone, and therefore leading to dangerous levels of sunburn in a vulnerable Eagle demographic.
Thankfully, a group of determined students is looking to make change at our school. “AYE DUN’T NEED ANY MUR VITEMIN DEY,” allegedly said Enloe TAN Vice President, scholar Seamus O’Gallagher. Unfortunately, his Irish accent was too hard for our interviewers to distinguish, so we provided our best quotational estimate.
Later in the month, you can also join Enloe TAN in their ‘Run to the End of A Rainbow’ (REAR) to prevent bullying. The race will be held indoors and volunteers will also be available to apply sunscreen, preventing sun burns from any stray rays. This year, Ed Sheeran will be personally DJing this event — breaking bad habits of bullying with some perfect hype music.
If you aren’t interested in running, Enloe TAN is also looking for volunteers to stock and distribute refreshments at the rest stations. While our interviewers neglected to ask, we presume beer, Lucky Charms, potatoes, or ginger snaps will be served. If ginger snaps are made available, The Eagle’s Eye will make sure Raleigh Police are on site to deal with any cannibalism charges.
To get a more inside look into these operations, I asked the President of Enloe TAN, Patsy “Pasty” Redman, some questions about what drives her to give so much soul to this cause (and also where she is sourcing the soul from).
“It just really hurts when people reduce my worth to my mutated genes. I think the most creative comment was that I looked like a ‘crusty, uncooked chicken nugget with ketchup on top.’ The fire on my head is not stronger than the fire in my heart for ginger support. If I could say one thing to the Eagle Scholars of Enloe High, it would be to stop asking me if ‘my kind are going extinct.’ This is not the Salem Witch Trials anymore, it’s 2025,” she said. Note to the Eagle’s Eye readers: make sure to keep your ginger acquaintances away from the top of the East Building!! They might melt in the water!!
I thanked her for being fully transparent, but unfortunately that seemed to strike a chord. “MY SKIN IS NOT TRANSPARENT, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I CAN’T TAN.” It is clear that this scholar is struggling with her trigonometry.
My next question for Pasty was about the acronym for Enloe TAN — what does it really stand for? I asked if it was a shortening of tangerine or orangutan, but remarkably, BOTH of those options were wrong. I guess an Enloe TAN x Food and Nutrition or Animal Sciences collab won’t be happening?
To try to rectify my somehow offensive language, I told Pasty that her values were ‘as good as gold,’ but unfortunately that didn’t go over well either. “FOR THE LAST TIME, GOLD IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO US. AMERICA HAS BEEN OFF THE GOLD STANDARD SINCE THE 70s! THAT’S IT!” Unfortunately, our interview was cut short by Pasty storming out (mayhaps to avoid further scorches), leaving much of The Eagle’s Eye staff wondering if she was making a reference to the accurate ginger representation in the movie she mentioned.
I am proud to have shed some UV-free light onto this topic. You never know if the sun will come out tomorrow, so donate today to make sure the Enloe Gingers have a safe journey back to their clover patches.
