Enloe Teacher Moves Back Home, Secedes from U.S., Starts a War


 It’s not every day that you see someone throw every rule of politics out the window in the span of a week, but here we are. Enloe’s beloved Steve Miller, part time Civics teacher, part time world leader, moved back to his hometown of Escanaba, Michigan, on February 4th. He seems to have left in the middle of the night without a trace according to a source on Enloe’s staff under the pseudonym “Matty Piller.”  The only contact she’s had with him since has been a brief text conversation in which Miller mentions the “tragic state of the US” in reference to what he calls a “deadly foreign threat.” Locals have speculated that said “foreign threat” may be Iran, due to recent events, but all was made clear in the coming days.


Miller resurfaced again three days later, after making national headlines for having completely restructuring his hometown’s political system, putting himself at the head of the government. He then declared the town’s independence from the United States of America in order to form the “Republic of Millerville”, and several surrounding towns joined their efforts. Such a bold show of autarky could have plunged our nation into another civil war, but due to the fact that not a single government official can even point out Escanaba on a map, no one seemed to care that much. 


On the morning of February 10th, the Republic of Millerville issued an official declaration of war on the small European nation of Andorra by creating a Remind class, sending the join code to Andorra’s Prime Minister, and sending a message that simply read “War!!!” accompanied by a series of emoticons including “D:<” and “:(“ repeated several times. The Prime Minister responded with a thumb’s up emoji to solidify the plans. 


Due to the low population of Millerville, Miller himself requested that his former students join his military in hopes that if enough of them show up, they could beat Andorra on sheer manpower alone. What he apparently didn’t account for is the fact that Andorra has a smaller population than the Republic of Millerville as a result of their government’s poor foreign policy decisions, and none of the citizens that are left are patriotic enough to fight. The first and only battle of the Great War of Millerville took place just inside the border between Millerville and the United States. No casualties were reported, as the only people who ended up being there were Steve Miller, Andorra’s Prime Minister, Xavier Espot Zamora, a handful of confused Michigan residents, eleven Andorran soldiers, several members of Enloe’s very own branch of JROTC, and 14 Enloe seniors who showed up in hopes that Miller would reward their efforts with extra credit on their midterm. It was still a better turnout than the Coming Home pep rally.


Once news of these events made it to Enloe, we reached out to some Miller’s former students and coworkers for comment. One Enloe freshman from Miller’s 4th period Civics class was saddened by his teacher’s disappearance, partially due to the fact that he had spent his whole weekend on homework for that class. Another student, a senior from Miller’s AP Comparative Government class, was distressed by all of the events of the week. She says, “This whole thing is shocking. It’s not like him at all. I can’t believe he would use Remind. But I still showed up to the battle” Miller’s fellow C&C teacher, Amber Kulasingam, also commented on the events, saying, “I’ve known him for a long time. I knew he always had something against Andorra, I just never saw him taking it this far. This does give me a good idea for a C&C project in the future, though.”


Miller has not responded to Eagle’s Eye’s requests for an interview.