Poop Map: The App That Can Fix America


At last, we’ve found it. The single most revolutionary app since the first IPhone was created.

Some thought it would be Flappy Bird, others opted for Instagram. Picsart put on a good show, and YouTube was always a top contender. However, one app has risen above the rest, making a mockery of Apple’s finest products. Not only does it encompass the sociability of Instagram, but also the competitiveness of Fortnite, the companionship of Trivia Crack, and the intimacy of Imessage. 

It’s called Poop Map.

Poop Map is, well, exactly what it sounds like. It’s a platform that allows users to ‘drop their poop’ on the map everytime they go Number 2, including the option to comment on and rate your dump each time you post. And don’t get me STARTED on the selfie feature. Countless users can be seen snapping heartwarming selfies with their favorite toilet bowls, and one enloe student even reported dropping their phone in the toilet with the quote: “I was just trying to get a good selfie for Poop Map! Can you blame me?” Although the use of photography has made Poop Map a contender with apps as renowned as Snapchat, it isn’t just the technology that makes Poop Map so great. This isn’t some self-help, introspective kind of app. No, Poop Map is actually considered social media! You can follow other poopers, and even create leagues with a variety of other users and standings. The profile with the most average poops per day (yes, it calculates that) or furthest poops (including outside of the country!) wins the league, and as a result, the other players must shove as much fiber down their throats as physically possible just to keep up!

Not only does this app destigmatize the concept of pooping, but it also motivates people of all ages to eat foods with fiber, such as fruits and, of course, beans. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The feeling of comradery surrounding this app is undeniable- a community inside a community, a nation of poopers contained in one single app. Though it may feel like it’s every pooper for themselves, we’re all pushing towards one common goal. That feeling that comes over us as we sit down on the cool, smooth toilet seat, the churning in our stomachs after a big meal, the beating of our hearts as we make a dive for the bathroom pass. Everyone poops. Drake poops. Ariana Grande poops. Leonardo DiCaprio poops. It’s time we come together as one nation, throwing aside racial, religious, and partisan divides. Poop is the one thing we all have in common, and through Poop Map, it will be what brings us all together.

Don’t go to the polls. Go to the toilet. Get Poop Map today.