Fearless, Taylor Swift’s second album, which at the time made her the youngest person to win a Grammy for album of the year, is all about learning that growing up sucks and men are the worst. Fearless is also for the hopeless romantic who doesn’t know when to give up and is exceptionally bad at learning from their mistakes. Like, Taylor wrote an entire album about high school boys being Awful, but yeah, go out of your way to give Chad a shot, that checks out. But maybe you’re like me and you’ve never actually been in a relationship, and you just very strongly identify with the themes of escapism in this album and this magical talented woman’s ability to tell a story, a gift she’s been utilizing for nearly two decades to hypnotize us all into falling in love with her, that witch. You and I both know neither of us will ever have a Love Story type experience, but it sure is fun to fantasize about it, right? This is a common theme in all of her albums: she has this power that allows anyone to identify with her music no matter what kind of person they are. She also makes nothing but bangers. She has yet to miss on a single song in her 9-album discography. So whether you have the same amount of relationship experience as the eight-year-old you babysit or your last few breakups have made you bitter and defeated at the ripe old age of sixteen, I’m gonna make fun of you for it. Yay! What fun!

Fearless – The idea of jumping into life headfirst without regret excites and fascinates you because you are physically incapable of making a single decision. I would encourage you to go ahead and live vicariously through Miss Swift, but she was like sixteen when she wrote this. And last I checked, so were you. So try to start BEING A HIGHSCHOOLER and make some semblance of an effort to chip away at the thick crust of social anxiety that’s formed around you. Maybe it’s just pandemic-induced social interaction stress. Maybe you’ve been a walking ball of nerves since a babe. Either way, get it together. If not for me, then for Taylor.

Fifteen – You are not guilty of falling in love when you were fifteen, but you are guilty of pure teenage idiocy. This was likely the only reference you used in preparation for high school, which is probably why it was kinda disappointing when you got there. Miss Taylor’s experience in high school was likely not the same as yours. SHE was popular and could sing and write great songs. YOU are in the theatre program and just last week you got into a debate with a freshman over whether or not the West End revival of Heathers was any good. The only thing you two have in common is bad luck in relationships. So congrats, I guess?

Love Story – If you’re a fan of the original version, you probably enjoy being well-liked, are straight, and, I hate to break it to you, peaked sometime last year. And if you did that weird TikTok trend to the remix of this song last summer, you peaked the minute you posted that video. But if you listened to Taylor’s version the minute it was released, you are lonely and gay and college will be more fun for you anyway. I know it’s easy to imagine running away with your lover to the Swiss Alps or maybe somewhere in northern Italy the minute you graduate high school, but you can’t run away with a lover if you don’t have one in the first place. And at least get your degree first. 

Hey Stephen – You are of an extremely competitive nature. Maybe you actually do have a crush on the person you think about when this song comes on, or maybe you are just so competitive that when you see that everyone else has a crush on this same person they just have to be yours. It’s like getting into Stanford just to see if you could do it, not because you actually wanna go. You also probably mentally checked out of school a few weeks ago, but those grades aren’t gonna fix themselves! What about Stanford?

White Horse – Oh my god, you were heartbroken by your first relationship, weren’t you? What a complete shock to us all that absolutely no one saw coming. Especially if it was with a-*gags* man. This one failed relationship will likely shape your perception of love for the rest of your life, but not to worry! No man will ever be good enough anyway.

You Belong With Me – You’re misunderstood. Not necessarily in a good way. If you like this song because you think that the girl dating the guy you like that you’ve never made a move on “doesn’t deserve him!” it looks like it’s confront-your-internalized-misogyny-o’clock. But if you enjoy this song for literally any other reason, it’s because you wish you were confident enough to actually go after someone you liked. You know what you want and more importantly what you deserve, but lack the most crucial trait necessary for success: a spine. So figure out how to get one of those so you can work up the courage to do more than just smile at them and then get back to me.

Breathe – I am begging you to stop relying on relationships for the source of your happiness. Please. I see it now: someone has minorly inconvenienced you and you will literally never recover so now I have to watch a full hour of you sobbing to your private story just to get whiplash when you post a picture of yourself captioned “Oh my god I’m so hot” not even fifteen minutes later. You’ve got to at least try to build some semblance of self-esteem. Seriously. Thinking you’re sexy every other Tuesday is not enough, Emily.

Tell Me Why – So you really enjoy putting yourself in harm’s way just to feel something. Like doom-scrolling down far-right Twitter just to make yourself angry. Or burning your bagel in the morning so you can bitterly eat the char with a lovely spread of cream cheese on top. I’m gonna guess you have little to no confidence, but that seems like low-hanging fruit considering that’s probably the case if you’re reading a psychoanalysis article about an album that came out 13 years ago written by someone barely qualified enough to tell you anything of actual import.

You’re Not Sorry – Now THIS. This is someone with some self-respect. You know your worth and if something doesn’t work or is causing emotional damage in your life, you cut it out. And that’s something I really appreciate because I’ve seen a very common theme among Swifties recently and it’s that very few of you actually have any self-respect. Yeah yeah, I get it, you listen to a white woman complain about her problems for a decade you start to feel the same way, but like… Lover exists. Go be happy or something.

The Way I Loved You – Some of us are just huge fans of toxicity, aren’t we? Or maybe some of us are running away from questions about our sexuality..? Again, I don’t know what I expect from you Swifties but let me spell it out for you: harmful relationships are what we avoid and questions about our sexuality are what we confront. Confusing, I know, but apparently, some of us are slow learners.

Forever & Always – You deserve better than whatever situation you’ve got going on at the moment. And you know that, too. So here’s what I suggest: plot their murder. And make it elaborate! Add fun twists and turns that no one could’ve seen coming! Work out your alibi and who to frame (if there are other people you resent for minorly inconveniencing you, this is the perfect time to rope them in), and then write all those instructions down and hide them forever. You’ll feel better afterward, I swear. And if they cross you again, maybe reconsider.

The Best Day – Congrats on your healthy family dynamic or whatever. But think about those who don’t have an excellent father whose strength is making you stronger. Some parents are casually homophobic. And get into fights with us when we got our permit two days ago and are trying desperately to park straight in the Costco parking lot. I’m not mad at you for your healthy relationship with your parents but like, you’re straight, right? Just making sure. 

Change – You have the same energy as people who like Only The Young. And you’re a big fan of the @soyouwanttotalkabout and @feminist Instagram pages, right? You’re just like Taylor: a huge fan of putting on a good performance. In very different ways, just to be clear. I’m not trying to make fun of you, but if this was on a “songs to overthrow the patriarchy to” playlist last summer, I would. Also, whose favorite is this anyway?