There’s something in the air at Enloe right now. Faces are tense, friendships are ending, and the persistent sound of depressed shuffling fills the halls. Whispers float in the air, the voices of possessed seniors murmuring, “I need to finish my personal statement,” and “I don’t even know my counselor’s name,” and “No, a 36 ACT isn’t enough to get into Wake Tech. Are you crazy?” The weight of college applications is crushing even Enloe’s strongest soldiers. As early onset senioritis wreaks havoc on tired Eagle Scholars, the question on all of their lips is clear: “How can I be doing more?”
We, at The Eagle’s Eye, get it. The college admissions game is rough these days. It’s just not enough anymore to be the founder of five clubs that don’t do anything and use Chat-GPT to “help” you study for the SAT. If you, like most of the senior class, are trying hard to find something new to put in your applications to help you stand out from the crowd of other students with a lame 4.0 GPA, here are 5 simple ways to make sure you (yes, YOU) get into your dream school this year.
Start a For-Profit
The non-profit founder archetype has been done. Overdone, even. Those people need to just go volunteer at this point. Don’t you want to do something unique and special? For-profits are the way to go, and the rumor on the street is that the eviler, the better. Show off your leadership skills by leading small children into the workforce without pay. Keep the profits!
Make Up an Imaginary Medical Condition
It’s a win-win! You can both add new hardships into your personal statement (everyone knows the applicant with the biggest additional information section ALWAYS gets in), and pretend to have started some sort of charity/fundraiser for sufferers of this brand-new-totally-real disease. Put it on your activities list! This is also a great tie-in with the for-profit strategy, because if you’re the only person with the disease, YOU KEEP ALL THE MONEY! Fun new diseases you can turn into a privatized business include “Idiopathic Procrastinatia” or “Pseudo-malignant Deceptionism.” Look at you go, you entrepreneur!
Object at a Wedding
Show off how assertive you are! A super convenient option: there are tons of wedding venues in Raleigh, and this activity only takes about an hour. This option is especially good for theater kids. Make up a character, get all dressed up. Really, just have fun with it. If you’re having any trouble getting into the ceremony, especially for smaller weddings, there are also plenty of instruments just lying around in the band room for you to use to pretend you’re an accompanist. This also gives you an ideal spot for heckling the soon-to-be unhappy couple! Then, write about your efforts in any supplementals about risk-taking or the effect you have made on your community. It is sure to impress admissions officers.
Tutor Your Friends
A great way to show off your academic prowess and people skills. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to start: every time someone asks you for help on a homework question, first, take their Chromebook from them and sigh a lot. Then, say, “Bro, I don’t even know how to do this.” Follow that up by turning the laptop around so they can’t see what you’re doing and finish the problem (it doesn’t matter if you do it correctly or not). Finally, give them back the computer. When they ask how you did it, make sure to say, “Bro, you’re so stupid. Just, like, figure it out.” They will have learned nothing! Even if they are still struggling with the content, you will have taught them something even more valuable: independence! You get Eagle’s Eye bonus points for helping them drop their grade below a C. Eliminate that competition!
Drop Out and Go Into the Arts
If you are looking for something really unique, this is for you. What admissions officers REALLY want is a student who isn’t going to stick to the status quo. Maybe it’s time to look past what your parents want for you and discover the wonderful world of the performing arts. Save on that tuition by committing to being a struggling artist. Why would you want to study journalism when you could be in Newsies? Why major in history when the ensemble of a bootleg Hamilton production is waiting for you? If you can hear the people sing, you are close to an unpaid community theater. Follow the voices! Join them! Maybe don’t even go to college. Don’t give up your spirit to the man. Sing out, Louise!
(Dis-)Honorable Mention: Try to Be Born Into Generational Wealth
If you are running out of options, there is one foolproof college admissions cheat code we can offer you.
If you’re lucky enough to already have a trust fund: CONGRATULATIONS! You are going to your first-choice school! You probably wasted your time by trying too hard in high school; you should’ve known money talks loud enough to cover up all the strange blunders you made in your application interview. For the portfolio submission section of the CommonApp, be sure to add the blueprints of a new building for your institution of choice to seal the deal! I’m sure everyone will just laugh off that thing you said about the working class…
If a trust fund is not in your future: We’re sorry. Maybe try converting to a religion that believes in reincarnation? You’ll get ‘em next time, tiger!
We here at The Eagle’s Eye hope that this college application season goes well! We encourage every student to relax a little bit more. In this economy, you probably won’t be able to afford your ideal lifestyle anyway, so don’t stress too much about your college degree.
If you need help with any of the above methods, make sure to email us at [email protected]. May the odds be ever in your favor!
