To: the Enloe Student Body

From: Literally all the underclassmen

Dear Student Body, 

Picture this: You walk in on the first day of school, smell the breakfast food in the cafeteria, see all the cars leaving the carpool line, hear the teachers direct the freshmen to class and what’s that…? Keys jingling? Yes, it’s our own upperclassmen, our very own juniors and seniors jingling their car keys as they walk in. Guys, we all know you’re so much cooler than us sophomores and freshmen, with your licenses, brand new Vera Bradley card wallets, and lanyards, but do you really need to rub it in like that? You might say ‘what’s the big deal?’,but oh I know the big deal. Luckily, I know all the underclassmen are thinking the same thing, so I took the responsibility and asked some professionals and students about the topic. 

First, I talked to Maide Uphuman, a professional with an high school diploma in McDonald’s cash register-ing: “…Dude, it’s inhumane, there’s a limit to key jingling, you jingle too much and the key will come back to find you. Like those 60s monster movies except with keys… anyway, don’t make the keys upset! Find a limit to key shaking!” 

I also talked to another professional, Rando Persoine, who has a PhD in the Dreaded Teenage Key Jingling Syndrome, and I quote: “They walk into school one day and tell all their friends that they just got their license and access to a car to drive to and from school. From that day on, they make sure that no one forgets the fact that they can drive! It just doesn’t mean their friends can’t forget, it means the whole school can’t.” 

I talked to a junior, Joe Mama, about this issue, to get a first hand opinion. “I personally don’t jiggle my keys too much, but when I feel like I need to flex on the underclassmen to show my superiority, I add in that little flair. Making sure your lanyards are out of your pocket when you walk is also helpful. This strategy is to make sure people know that you have keys to your very own car. It also helps to have the lanyards catch on everything in the hallways, because you know, it’s cool to be stuck on the door handles and almost rip your pants off every time you try to untangle it.” 

I finally talked to a Senior, Whittney Shields, about this. “Well, every morning when I get my Starbucks from the drive-thru, I think; should I risk a tardy and walk in late jiggling my keys and slurping on my Iced Matcha Latte unnecessarily loud? Or should I just walk in normally with my keys in my backpack and drinking the grass -sorry- drink like a normal human being? Everyday I go through extremely challenging decisions like this, but I make the right decision to walk in late and cause a mini orchestra in the hallways. If no one knows you can get Starbucks on your own, what’s the point of even driving?”

To find a solution to this problem, I talked to Carol Karen, a carpool mom. “Well, I think that the kids can quickly get infected with the Dreaded Teenage Key Jingling Syndrome, and we should do everything we can to stop it. This means by telling them that if they keep shaking their keys around, they will spread it. My team of carpool moms and I (by the way, we’re called Our Gene Pool’s Carpool, if you want to follow us on Insta), are working towards fixing the situation. Plus, if teens learn how to drive, what’s going to happen to us carpool moms? We’ll be unemployed!” 

Talking to all these people and getting their opinions, I think that we should take the most extreme measures possible to prevent the Dreaded Teenage Key Jingling Syndrome. I think the best solution to this would be to talk to them. I propose that if the underclassmen can yell ‘you’re going to catch the malady!’ at every upperclassmen seen jingling their keys, it would solve a lot of the problems we have here at Enloe. 

Thank you for your time, and I hope you will consider my proposal. 

Thank you, 

Praghna H.

(On behalf of the Freshmen and Sophomores)