At exactly 10:00am on Wednesday, December first, every Enloe student simultaneously rushed to rip their phone out of their pocket to view surprisingly ugly graphics and act surprised when learning the metrics on the same three artists they listened to this year on their Spotify Wrapped. What started as a mere Wi-Fi disturbance quickly erupted into the complete collapse of the United States power grid.

In the midst of this unforeseen catastrophe, President Joe Biden declared a state of emergency and promptly forced Spotify to remove Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo from the platform, knowing very well that these two artists alone made up at least 90% of every teenager’s Spotify Wrapped.

In response to her removal, Taylor Swift has announced that she is rerecording her newest album, Red (Taylor’s Version), and releasing Red (Taylor’s Version) (The Taylor Version) to bypass this new ruling. Swifties all across the nation are checking their Spotify app 13.42 times per hour on average (totallyrealstats.com), which is only adding more fuel to the fire.

With Spotify and most facets of the internet being down at most times, teenagers are in distress and regretful of how they spent their year listening to music. An anonymous Enloe student exclaimed, “What was even the point of listening to 200,000 minutes of Certified Lover Boy since it [was] released, now that Spotify is gone? I didn’t even have the chance to listen to any good music this year so I could get Drake as my most-listened-to artist!”

As a result of this widespread internet outage, the Eagle’s Eye is indefinitely switching to printed newspapers, which will be sold by poor Victorian children and delivered by bicycle, as we are shutting down our website in order to alleviate any further stress on the internet. Check this link to see if a route is coming by your house!