Disclaimer: This is a High School news publication. We are not qualified to give any financial advice or any advice related to your personal livelihood, and we strongly recommend you do not take this article seriously. 

Counter-Disclaimer: Disclaimers are actually for nerd, soy-boy, beta-males who will never understand the true meaning of “the grind”, so if you are a based and redpilled sigma-male you will ignore that and follow our advice like your bank account depends on it. Because it does.

17 years ago, I was just like you. Broke, lazy, living off my mother’s breast-milk. I had no drive, no power, no hunger to devour my competition. If I had continued down that path, I would have never amounted to anything. Then, one day, a man took me aside in Harris Teeter while I was buying banana flavored La Croix. He said to me; “Son, you’ll never amount to anything. You are ugly, lazy, and you smell like banana seltzer.” He left without another word. That man was none other than Elon Musk, and he had said exactly what I needed to hear. I started reading motivational infographics on Instagram. I started browsing the r/wallstreetbets subreddit every morning. By my 17th birthday, I owned over 83 assets, I was a stock market expert, and I had a net worth of $72 Trillion. I learned the way of the grind and you can do it too with these simple steps. 

• Don’t Be a Woman: As everyone knows, women only care about scented candles and the new Red (Taylor’s Version) album. Therefore, it is impossible for a woman to be sigma and consequently it is impossible for her to be on the sigma grind. If you currently identify as a woman you are going to have to stop or this article is not for you. 

• Watch the Wolf of Wall Street (repeat nightly for optimal benefit): Leonardo DiCaprio invented hustle. In fact, in my hometown (the NYC financial district), we call him the charging bull. That’s because bulls are the most coolest animals. Also it’s because “bull” sounds like “bill”, which Leo has quite a few of. 

• Steal Your Mom’s Credit Card: Credit cards are like debit cards that have an infinite amount of money on them so this will be the perfect first step to building your financial empire. What is your mom gonna do with it anyway? She’s a woman!

• Invest Half the Money in Real Estate: Real Estate is the most reliable investment for your portfolio and will reward you with massive dividends. You can use those dividends to grow your equity and increase the decrease of the increase of your diminishing marginal returns. This is not rocket science, it’s just basic business 101 concepts, something that anyone who calls themself a man should understand.  

• Invest the Other Half in NFTs: NFTs are a trendy new way to make quick cash as a day-trader. The acronym stands for Nitro Fighting Tortoises and a one time investment will place an android replica of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle under your command. These NFT’s will be the perfect employees for your newly founded Real Estate business, and will also be useful for future ventures. 

• Become a Billionaire: Just do it, okay? It’s really not that hard.

• Overthrow the US Government: Once you have enough NFT’s you will have the power to defeat the US military and overthrow the federal government. This will greatly increase your options of markets to which you may expand your empire to financially dominate. 

• Start a War in Iraq for Oil: Who doesn’t love oil, and destabilizing entire regions of the world to extract it? Any businessman with a reputation knows that oil extraction is the quickest path to the cover of a Forbes magazine, and the top of an ecoterrorist’s hit-list. 

• Lose the War: Failure is an important lesson for a young businessman to learn. It’s not like this will have any geo-political repercussions for the foreseeable future, right? 

• Grind Never Stops: Being a wealthy man comes with great responsibility. So many third-world countries to exploit, and so many illegal activities to engage in during “corporate board meetings” that may or may not include snorting an unnamed white powder off the mahogany boardroom table while your shareholders violently beat on their chests and cheer you on. This is the lifestyle you must accept if you want to be on that sigma-grind. You will thank me later when you stand atop a mountain of cash and souls you have stolen from mortal children. 

If you follow these ten steps you should be able to achieve a certain amount of wealth by the time you reach your grave. It’s like Steve Jobs said, “Money is life. Nothing else matters.” That is all we have for you today. Stay tuned for more financial, and general life advice from the Eagle’s Eye.