President Biden Passes Historic “Make Gas Really Expensive” Bill

This week, the US hit a record national average gas price of 15 dollars per gallon. With prices rising for months now, it is obvious that there is one clear perpetrator, and his name is Joe Biden.

On February 30th, President Joe Biden passed the landmark “Make Gas Really Expensive” bill, which aims to increase gas prices across the nation. “I want to directly harm the consumer,” said the President in a press conference on February 32nd. 

Biden also announced that every American will receive four “I did that” stickers with his face on them in the coming months, likely when gas prices aren’t an issue anymore. It is said that if placed on gas pumps, these stickers will charge your gas to Russian President Putin’s bank account.

Biden’s legislation has been met with overwhelming support in congress. Hard-to-win Democratic senators, such as Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema are proud co-sponsors of this bill, showcasing how bipartisan this bill truly is. “Now this is finally something I can get behind!” exclaimed Manchin after hanging up the phone on a low-income family from West Virginia.

On Saturday, February 40th, protestors organized demonstrations throughout the country. Some are challenging Biden’s decision to replace former President Trump’s Diet Coke button with an “Increase Gas Prices” button on the presidential desk in the Oval Office. One protestor by the name of Tony Lee-Reel told the Eagle’s Eye, “We’re absolutely sick of one man being in charge of something as important as gas prices. There needs to be a shift where gas prices are given to someone more trustworthy, like oil executives!”

For Enloe students, Biden’s ruling has been particularly devastating, impacting the very fabric of the school’s culture. Bofa, a senior who asked the Eagle’s Eye only to use their first name, said, “With gas prices this expensive, how am I supposed [to] go to Cookout every day and order the same banana nut shake? This is oppression and Biden must pay the consequences.” Bofa then slowly sipped their shake in suspicion. 

With this new legislation, it is clear that gas prices won’t be falling anytime soon. All we can do now is blame the one man who is in absolute control of these ridiculous prices. Thanks, Joe!