Warning: This is satire.

The Wake County Census Bureau released their 2022 WCPSS High School Dating Pool Report last Monday. The report was administered via mandatory surveys for both single and not-single students, grouped between every Wake County high school. Fact checking on whether each person’s self declaration of relationship status was accurate was overseen by randomly selected school administrators. Any respondent that self-reported a girlfriend “from camp” was defaulted to single status in the data set. Private and charter schools were not included in the 2022 report, however Raleigh Charter and Cary Academy have proposals to administer similar census reports via their respective PTSA boards.

The Eagle’s Eye data analyst team has compiled a few key points from the report on Enloe students:

• 65.2% of WCPSS students claimed to currently be in a relationship at the time of the survey. 53% of Enloe students claimed to be “not single,” of which 90.2% followed up claiming they were “in the talking stage.”
• Enloe students averaged a score of 49 out of 95 on Charlene’s Ick List Assessment. This translates to 52 on the Problematic Index (0 being unproblematic and 100 being extremely problematic) derived by Dr. Wu and her research team.
• 98.7% of Enloe students agreed to the following claim stated in the survey: “I tend to ignore my friends’ suspicions and negative opinions about my crush/ significant other.” 
• 23 out of every 30 Enloe respondents in a relationship disagreed with the claim: “I do not see any red flags in my current partner.”
• 1 out of every 7 students claimed to know at least one student who went into a relationship with someone that showed significant “red flags.”
• The 2022 Report has shown a 5% increase in Problematic Index as compared to 2021, and 11.2% increase compared to 2019. Analysts believe this is in correlation to county-wide school closures.

The Eagle’s Eye investigative team conducted several anonymous interviews following the Census release. When asked why students continued to pursue a person they found problematic, more than half of the responses started with “I can fix [them],” and/or “Okay, I know but…” 

The Wake County Board of Education is considering conducting more school-specific observational studies on confounding factors of the rise in Problematic Index. 

Psychologists from the American Board of Pediatrics have stated seeking relationships with someone holding a Problematic Index of above 15 is concerning. Above 50 is considered a lack of standards and possible self-respect, and should remove themselves from that relationship immediately.