Do you ever struggle with what it means to be an Eagle Scholar while wandering the halls of Enloe High school? If so, this article is for YOU! We took students’ most pressing issues about the Enloe Experience and gave the definitive solution to each and every one. What our fellow Eagle Scholars go through will leave you bewildered—you won’t believe question 4.

~~~

1. Help! My teacher started using a porcelain vase as a bathroom pass! I rubbed it 3 times and a genie appeared.

When I rubbed the pass to pee, a genie granted wishes, three! I currently am filled with glee, but need advice; help me, I plea!

Hey there! Thanks for your question. The bathroom genie is a pillar of Enloe culture <3 but be warned! When he grants you a wish, you physically cannot leave the bathroom for the rest of the period. Eagle Scholars, if you’ve ever made awkward eye contact with someone who is skipping in the bathroom, they likely got trapped by the bathroom genie! YOU MUST BREAK THE CYCLE. I HAVEN’T BEEN TO MY SECOND PERIOD IN MONTHS.

2. Millipede here, how do I escape this place?

*Squelch!*

Thanks for writing in! The lower atrium was actually designed to be incredibly oppressive to millipedes, but Big Admin is clearly not ready for that conversation. When I close my eyes at night, I think I can hear the helpless cries of suffering millipedes, the ruthless stomping brought upon them by apathetic students trudging from class to class. I hear that, and I think of you, my friend. Now go—ah! Were you dead this whole time?

3. Should I listen to the voices telling me to take a 9th AP class?

Sometimes they tell me a GPA above 5 is possible. They say I need to push myself to the limit… beyond limits…

Assuming you’re new here, you might want to know that you are experiencing the most universal Enloe Experience to date. We’ve all heard the ghost of Willie G. himself pushing us to true Eagle Scholarship. If you’re hearing him, it means you’re on the right track. For more information, he can be contacted through ouija boards. As for a ninth AP, the answer is unambiguously YES!

4. I’ve been feeding the bats underneath the upper atrium for 5 months. When will administration get over it?

They just recently started a lovely small business where they sell hall passes to wandering students. If you invest through ME, you get to keep the profits with ONLY a small investment fee!

Hey there! Bat pride is close enough to Eagle pride for us here at the advice desk. While we do not “officially” endorse the sale of hall passes, small businesses are a passion of ours. YOU are keeping the Enloe Economy alive. YOU need to stand up to Big Admin and their tyrannical control of the Benevolent Bats. It is up to our hardworking Enloe Entrepreneurs to uphold the Enloe tenets of free enterprise and individualism. Godspeed, my friend.

5. AITA for stealing all the urinal dividers in the 600s bathroom? 

I (16M) walked into the bathroom about a week ago and deviously swiped every urinal divider. Do I need to return them? I just want to get rid of toxic masculinity in this school.

NTA. Let’s be real, I think you (16M) are a perfect example of the community we strive for here at Enloe High School. Nothing brings people closer together than breaking down the divisions between us. For how will we grow as a society if we do not accept each other for who we truly are? Big Admin has been isolating us from each other for FAR TOO LONG, and it’s about time we pushed back, once and for all. Let’s shoot for stall dividers next!

~~~

Have a question you’d like to send to the Eagle’s Eye Advice Column? Whether it’s about passing C&C, climbing out of the endless tunnel, or navigating the atrium; complete the seven rituals and the answer will come to you in a dream!