Valentine’s Day comes as a reminder to us all that sometimes, the hardest thing to say is those eight letters: We’re done. When you’re surrounded by the suffocating season of love, it can be necessary to go against the tides and take a step back.

Enloe’s Chamber Choir is here to make that process just a little bit easier. This year, for a limited time only, they’re offering Singing Breakups! At the low, low price of $6, you get a song, a secret gift, and a heartfelt message of your choice. This year, Chamber has prepared five a cappella arrangements of breakup songs with something for everyone.

For the Situationship:

Chamber Choir presents: Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers. Because it always seems to be the Pharbs getting themselves into these things.  

Do you hate them for what they did, and miss them like a little kid? If you’ve been another victim of the situationship epidemic, Chamber Choir is here for YOU! The situationship can be the hardest of these relationships to break off, especially when you find yourself wondering if you were ever even together at all. We can answer that question for you- you weren’t. And, hey, you deserve better! With your $6 purchase, Chamber Choir will prove to your situationship that you’re glad that you made it out, even if you might not be sorry that it all went down like it did.

For the Parasocial Lover:

Chamber Choir presents: Maria by Justin Bieber. Per request, they will substitute the names of any Eagle Scholar for the titular wench.

Although parasocial relationships are rare at Enloe where nobody is relevant, some may have deluded themselves into thinking that they’re a victim of one. If this sounds like you, the Eagle’s Eye recommends keeping that $6 in your wallet and touching grass instead. Still not convinced? Chamber Choir is willing to humor you. If you want to make it clear that “that ain’t my baby, that ain’t my girl,” this selection is for you.

For the Swiftie in Distress:

Chamber Choir presents: All Too Well (10 Minute Version) by Taylor Swift. For $2 extra, they offer the Sad Girl Autumn version as an encore.

Swifties really are Enloe’s strongest soldiers, aren’t they? We applaud you for your dedication to being insufferable in your heartbreak. You’re unappreciated – that’s why you’re sending this Singing Breakup, right? You’re tired of watching people tolerate it. Well, we see you, and we hear you. This is a surefire way to get real recognition from your ex AND your fellow Eagle Scholars. Maybe your classmates will even thank you for getting them 10 minutes out of class!

“We just want to be there for underrepresented students like Swifties,” says an anonymous chorus student. “It’s not fair that they should suffer like that!”

For the Tearful Goodbye:

Chamber Choir presents: Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo. Wha-wha-wha-wha-what did she say?

The taste of betrayal is a bitter one to bear. If you’ve been placed in the position where you need to choose this song, we’re on your side. This selection comes with a box of tissues for you, in addition to the secret gift for your ex. Whether you choose to be petty or be strong, this song choice can show your ex just how much you’re hurting. Just remember that, like Jason Derulo says, “it’s all for the best.”

For When You’re Out of Their League: 

Chamber Choir presents: Princess Diana by Ice Spice. Know your worth.

Sometimes you’re just too good for someone. Chamber wants to help you, like, grrah, keep it a stack. The deciding factor at the end of your relationship might just be that you’re too different. You might be the type of person who says “I’m still gettin’ money, I know who I am,” and they might still be callin’ your phone, knowing that you don’t answer. Your future ex is so far beneath you that you don’t even need to break up with them in person! Let our talented singers take care of all this mess for you. 

Only one person can tell you when it’s time for your relationship to end: a choral director. Should you need the services of Chamber Choir, Singing Breakups are on sale now! Find the booth in the West Gym Lobby during third lunch or pay online through GiveButter. Breakups will only be available through February 13th, so act now! If your song of choice sells out, well, at least you’re accustomed to relationships that don’t last.