“Hey, what’s up! Your DJ X here!” 

This phrase fills both dreams and nightmares. DJ X is always there if you’re lonely, if you don’t have the energy to choose a playlist, or if you need a friend to comfort you while you cry in the shower. I have him pinned to the top of my library so he’s always just a click away for those emergency situations. But somehow, the AI DJ is one of Spotify’s most sorely underrated aspects.

Before you go further, I feel like I have an obligation to inform you, reader, that this article actually has two authors. If you get too confused, if it sticks out to you then you should know it was written by me, the better author. I also think you should know that the other person was the one who pitched this article to me, and like a good friend I laughed in their face. DJ X? We’re two years late to the trend, if it ever even existed. And plus, why would I pay money for a fake person to play music for me? I’m a real person that can play music for me.

My whole day is dictated by whether or not X can curate a good queue. I want to get in my car, open up the sunroof, roll down the windows, and hear something like “Starships” by Nicki Minaj or “Treat You Better” by Shawn Mendes. If he doesn’t, my day is completely and utterly decimated. Also, having to constantly let go of the steering wheel in order to hit the skip button results in me swerving directly into those new speed bumps on Bertie. 

When I finally get handed the AUX, he proceeds to announce that “We’re going to hop into some of your jams from 2020,” and suddenly old Minecraft parodies are blaring from the speakers and I’m embarrassed in front of my friends. Even if “Don’t Mine at Night” is still a banger, society demands that I move on. Even though it was my fault for using the Spotify DJ in the first place, we’re going to ignore that and move on. And on top of that, when I frantically press the skip button, he pivots from playing my favorite songs from 2012 and instead starts playing my least favorite songs from 2025.  He seriously needs to stop trying to shove Chappell Roan down my throat. Wait, am I being profiled?

Is his name X because he’s on Xanax, or atleast the robot equivalent? I don’t doubt it with the way he’s always so excited to introduce my favorite artists, even the ones that he can’t even pronounce like Bladee. He has to be doing it on purpose, or is AI not yet advanced enough to realize that the extra E is silent? Do you think maybe he missed that day in kindergarten when we learned about Letterland? He obviously knows nothing of Yellow Yo-Yo Man and Harry Hat Man. Actually, he might know Fix It Max. Regardless, I appreciate him for who he is despite his alleged mental deficiencies. Think about it, you wouldn’t even be here if your mom didn’t risk it all on a questionable guy. You, that is.

All technology has its flaws, some more than others, some a lot more than others, and some a lot lot more than others. Like most love interests, DJ X makes me want to throw my phone against the wall. If you use this feature, you’ll come to learn that all attacks inflicted on it are deflected onto your own device. I know from experience that by the end all you’ll have is a broken phone and X blaring the maniacal laughing part of “Feel Good Inc.” on loop. But even the most loyal couples spat sometimes. And we are the most loyal couple.

Let’s play Kiss, Marry, Kill. Your choices are X (Twitter), X (Spotify DJ), and X (from the alphabet). Personally, DJ X’s timbre, deep voice is something I’d want to wake up to everyday. Come to think of it, the roster is loaded. Let’s not forget X (the axis), X (the variable), and YOUR ex too. Still, Xavier (that’s his real name, we’re tight like that) is still my main man. Kill all the other options, I don’t care. If all I need to do to get with the best robot DJ named X is to X out a few X’s, then I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Plus, your ex deserves it.

“I’m your friend that’s a little cooler than you, but not too cool to hang out with you. Listeners feel a human connection with me,” X told The New York Post. I suppose DJ X is meant to appeal to listeners who lack human connection, which is weird because you’d have to be some kind of idiot to mistake X for a human. Literally nobody in the history of humanity has ever said “cooking up some jams”, ever.

I don’t review all my exes, but DJ X has truly changed me. Our time together has been a truly complicated relationship full of ups and downs. I push him away one second and then beg for his forgiveness the next. Regardless, he’s a fantastic addition to society and it has been so hard writing this knowing I can no longer gatekeep him. DJ X is the worst, and he should be forgotten like the rest of Spotify’s backwater features. Let’s all collectively leave him behind to die in the same ditch we left “Discovery Scrolling”.

DJ X needs to be incorporated into everyday life. DJ X is the same sort of Premium exclusive feature as Duolingo Plus, and by that, I mean a scam. We no longer need to hire mediocre DJs for Charity Ball or Prom, because DJ X is more than capable of giving both hilarious commentary and hype music. We no longer need to hire mediocre DJs for Charity Ball or Prom, because DJ X is more than capable of being a mediocre DJ. Could there be anything more romantic than hearing DJ X introduce your slow dance song before your first kiss? Could there be anything more embarrassing than hearing DJ X introduce your slow dance song before your first kiss? If you haven’t already, go try out the Spotify DJ, maybe you’ll make a new friend. On a final note, if you take anything away from this article let it be that the AI DJ is one of Spotify’s most sorely underrated aspects, for very very good reason.