Meta, the parent company of Instagram, updated its user terms as well as many features within the app on Jan. 20 and then again on Apr. 3. These changes are permanent unless something happens in the next four years, like maybe in November, I don’t know.
Instagram’s parent company, Meta, has been taking the axe to the app, reshaping grids, recoloring buttons, and removing community guidelines left and right. In a press conference this week, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a slew of additional updates. The highly equipped CEO, famous for his moral compass, remarked, “Yeah, we’re gonna change it more, aesthetic means absolutely nothing to me.” He then says, in response to all of the hate for the new updates, “I have like, billions and billions of dollars, I literally don’t care what you think.”
The new updates will be going out on May 5, 2025, “To ruin everyone’s Cinco De Mayo because I would love to destroy more celebrations of culture,” per Zuck. After public outcry and positive reviews being limited to solely Zuck himself, Meta has publicly clarified what these follow-up updates entail, to “aid the user experience” and “remind everyone who’s the boss.”
Here are the new updates:
With the rise of short-form content, Mark “ physically can’t wait” to get his hands on the wealth of TikTok adjacents. Visibly shaking in anticipatory excitement at the predicted rise in stock, Zuckerberg announced that going forward, users will only be allowed to post content in the reels format. In response to an inquiry about the future of photo dumps, Zuckerberg revealed the concept of “reel carousels.” “Take your friends on a ride throughout your life in these reel-centric variety posts. You’ll get to experience everyone’s meticulously crafted aesthetic life through the lens of blurry phone videos and two-second clips.”
If you would like to continue to have sound on Instagram, a new subscription will be required. For a limited time only, you can get this subscription for a low monthly payment of $99.99. “It’s like pocket change!” says Zuck in an advertisement for the deal. If you wait to pay until after July 4, however, the so-called “Liberty Deal” runs out, and the monthly subscription price rises to $999.99. “It’s only one more 9!” says Zuck in the same advertisement. What will this subscription include? The ability to hear the sounds on Reels. If you would like to access audio on stories or add music to your own posts, that will be an additional one-time payment of $5,000. “It’s a steal!” says Zuck. In response to this alteration, the CEO of Universal Records has stated he is willing to pay for 50% of this user cost, given that they only use and listen to artists on his record. Several other major labels have matched this deal, surprisingly to the delight of Zuckerberg. “It’s awesome! I get money, and no one has to listen to anything not from the mainstream, it’s a win-win!”
While in previous updates, Instagram has officially deleted the “Notes” feature on posts for the average person, they have left it on for their new registered fact-checkers, outlined in their upcoming changes. Based on a system of personal data allegedly analyzed by Zuck himself, the person who you’ve been intentionally ignoring in your follow requests for the longest will be assigned as your registered fact-checker. Their job will consist of adding a note on every post on your feed, simply reading “on god” or “nah man”. This is the only fact scale approved by the new government regulations on social media, so watch out for “nah man” information.
Did you enjoy putting your own info in your Instagram bio? Did you like putting in your school graduation year, your favorite quote, or even your full name? Well, now you won’t have to! Mark Zuckerberg will be filling out your bio himself! “I’m doing you all a huuuuge favor!” the CEO says. He will be collecting your social security number, passport, report cards, driver’s license, birth certificate, and latest notes app entry. From this, he will hand-craft the “perfect” bio for you! He will even pick the most lizard-like photo of you and make it your new profile photo! You’re welcome! Why is Zuck taking this on? Sources close to the multi-billionaire say that he is reportedly “really bored,” especially since “AI does everything in his life” and “he wants to have a daily reminder that he is the one with the real power over everyone in the universe.” “This soooo isn’t a power trip,” says Zuck in a new interview he staged and posted himself, “I’m just like the smartest, coolest, most bestest person in the world. I know you better than you know yourselves!”
To power the overwhelming energy needs of the upcoming update, Zuckerberg intends to round up every ailing social media manager and publicist overnight to use their despair as an energy supply, however, Zuck has not yet responded to critics comparing this to scenes from The Matrix. After the rectangle revolution, many Instagram artists have found themselves at a loss. Minty Parker, Eagle’s Eye publicist and social media czar, was one of these managers blindsided and dashed by the update. Parker remarks, “These rectangle grids are going to ruin the tour.” When asked what tour, Parker responded, “The news tour!” After living in a world of balanced, perfect squares since the app’s conception, professional Instagram users are confronted with the bleak real world: non-accommodating to equilaterals.
To really kick it to the “useless, phased out, artistic freaks of the world,” Zuckerberg has decided to grace us with another shift on our profile pages, a size reduction. He says, “Fine! You hate the rectangles so much, I’ll just make them smaller!” He refers to the amendment that will shrink posts to a 1×2 pixel ratio, saving Meta resources and, according to the Meta website, also shrinking their previously criticized carbon footprint. When asked about additional steps that will be taken toward environmental friendliness, Zuckerberg commented, “I wasn’t aware that anyone in my company COULD actually care about that.” He went on, “That wasn’t my intention.” Following Zuck’s statements, Meta announced an investigation into the unintended reduction of emissions that will lead to a change to the update, so that “any further misunderstandings about the priorities of Meta could be avoided.”
“Did I mention that I dropped out of Harvard because I was too good for them?” asked Zuck at the end of his press conference on the new updates. When the crowd stayed silent, he began visibly panicking, an oddly human response, never before seen from Zuck. “But like, you all know I did Facebook, right? You know Facebook? The most relevant social media platform ever? It’s, like, the best? And I made it? And I’m so cool? Fine. Fine, I don’t care. I don’t need your validation! Just for this, I’m taking away your friends! No more friends on Instagram! Only AI bots! Do you feel good about yourselves now? Huh? Huh?” Fortunately for Zuck, his removal of the followers and following features will not affect the number of his own personal relationships. He marched off the stage still screaming about his wealth, his genius, and his inherent superiority over every other person on earth.
Ultimately, Instagram is sure to be a wild ride for everyone involved in the coming year. Don’t forget to send our benevolent overlord Zuck a “Thank You” card, purchased directly from his corporate empire, for everything he’s doing for casual users, publicists, anti-intellectual (AI) culture, and the nation with this upcoming, groundbreaking update.
