Enloe’s new attendance policy is a complete hit with students! Starting this school year, senior exemptions are no longer senior exemptions! Now ALL Enloe Eagles are exempt from their teacher-made exams as long as they have 10 or less absences and at least a B in the class. However, some Senior Eagles who have been waiting for years to skip their finals for the AP classes they’ve already taken finals for are peeved that others aren’t also waiting for this opportunity. In order to appease the senioritis-stricken students, Wake County has come up with a short, reasonable new set of terms and conditions that will create more equity within the policy.

1. Absences for college tours can now be retroactively subtracted from your number of absences if you prove that you got accepted into that college. This is only applicable to seniors.
2. If you show up to school while testing positive for COVID-19, one of your previous absences for every class you attend while infected is subtracted.
3. If you, as a senior, can prove you got someone else sick, you get an additional absence retracted for all of your classes. It was really thoughtful of you to give someone else a chance to stay home.
4. For our senior lot warriors, each car you cut off on your way to class in the morning can get an absence or tardy of your choice redacted. We want to reward your commitment to your education after all! If you reach 50 cars cut off on any of the major roads surrounding Enloe, you will be rewarded with the opportunity to intern for a NASCAR driver. Kachow!
5. If while using these loopholes, you end up with negative absences, there are a few ways that will be handled.

5A. For freshmen, sophomores, and juniors, you are placed into “absence debt.” You will now have to stay home until you are out of debt. There will be interest charged on your debt if you continue to show up to school. 

5B. For seniors, it works like a clock. If you reach -1 absences, it actually means that you’ve looped all the way back around to 11 absences. Guess you’re taking that final!

Naturally, in order to balance the scales, the newly moved attendance office in the West Building has invented some new ways to acquire extra absences! 

1. For example, if you stay home due to an excused illness, turning in a doctor’s note results in that absence counting for two absences. Doctors are expensive, and Wake County believes in responsible financial practices. However, if you stay home due to an excused illness, you can get an MBSA student to assess your condition at your home. That student can then turn in a slideshow on your symptoms for extra credit, and if they get an A on the project, that absence no longer counts.
2. If you leave your car in the senior lot after 3:15, that counts as an absence from marching band practice, which you are immediately signed up for after leaving your car on their “field.” Better learn how to play an instrument! Marching band absences now count towards absences for your 3A class specifically, unless excused by Mr. Hunter.
3. For the underclassman, if you are caught playing any of the games listed below during class, either on your Chromebook or on your phone, that is considered an absence in that class unless you can beat your teacher’s high score in that game. You have to keep up your training at not paying attention in class until you’re a true master!

• Block Blast
• Tetris
• Any of the NYT games (you must beat your teacher’s score for that day’s puzzle)
• Google Snake
• 2048
• Minesweeper
• Any Papa’s -eria game

1. If, during class, you are watching TikTok, Instagram Reels, or (god forbid) YouTube Shorts, you will earn an absence in that class. Unless you have more than 10k followers, which means you are an official micro-celebrity, and therefore exempt from all real-world consequences. If this happens three or more times, however, you will be cancelled on Twitter (currently X) and lose most of your followers.
2. During the class period following your 10th absence, if you perform a really cool choreographed dance to a mid 2010’s hit for your teacher, they will bump you back down to 8 absences and allow you to have a sleepover that night.

Wake County’s beautiful school board hopes these policies will encourage students to show up and S.O.A.R. every day. If these policies are successful, they hope to have them implemented county-wide and then win some manner of prize for best, most reasonable policies with no clear issues whatsoever!