Charity Ball is right around the corner, the night when guys finally give in and let their mothers choose their outfits. We all know that the most important part of Charity Ball is getting a date and upon checking my relationship status on FaceBook, it’s not looking so good for me. What can a girl do to get a date? After getting rejected countless times in the past, I have decided that I will simply not take no for an answer. I will be getting a date, and so will you with these simple steps. 

Step One: Appealing to the Male Gaze

If you are unfortunate enough to be attracted to men, there are a few ways you can trick them into thinking you are a perfect match by manipulating the *male gaze.*

The biggest no-no you can make when trying to appeal to the male gaze is to make the subject feel weak and threatened. That is why it is very important to make sure you are not taller than your potential date. With most of the male population of Enloe ranging from 5 ‘6 to 5’ 9 (this may even be a bit generous), you may want to put those heels down and opt for a flat shoe. According to marriage.com, the most appealing height for a woman is 5’5. Girls under this height, you can calculate your heel size accordingly. Girls over this height, do not fret, I am here to guide you. Being 5’9, I am already 4 inches too tall. The only rational solution that I could think of is to sever off part of my legs. Beauty is pain! 

Step Two: Finding the Perfect Pookums

You may have heard from friends and family that you should not settle when it comes to finding a partner. Well, your friends and family are wrong. With Charity Ball being right around the corner, if you want a date you are going to have to settle. However, you must still have standards of some kind. Personally, I would not recommend a date with anyone on the lacrosse team, anyone involved in theater, or guys that really like cars. Not speaking from experience or anything… Once you have set your standards- the bar must be on the ground- finding the perfect pookums is easy, it just takes….a little research. 

It is VITAL that your subject is googleable or has some sort of social media presence. This ensures that you can study their interests and form a parasocial relationship with them. When trying to rizz up your potential date, it is important that you mention these interests to make your subject form a false sense of connection to you, thus making them fall madly in love. Bonus points if you find their mom’s instagram. Just make sure if you are researching multiple subjects, you keep the names and interests organized. If you happen to forget the name of one of your many subjects, do not worry. Pet names like shnookie pie, pookums, bookie bear, and sugar plum are sweet and endearing, no one will suspect a thing! Being persistent is key; you must memorize their schedule in order to bump into them in the hall. So what, your 2B is in the west and theirs is in the east? Get your steps in! You will be in perfect shape to get jiggy with your future date on the dance floor.

Step Three: The Approach 

The approach is a very sensitive time. However, it is important to remember that no matter what the outcome is, it is not the end of the world. The worst thing that can happen is you get rejected, your heart is shattered, and you question your self-worth and perception of love for the rest of your life. To save yourself hundreds of dollars in future therapists, just make sure you don’t approach your potential date with a binder full of the information you collected on them. Also, you probably shouldn’t show up at their house when you have never been given their address. It may also be a good idea to make sure your potential date isn’t already going to Charity Ball with someone else. Not speaking from experience or anything, haha. Planning an elaborate Charity Ball proposal in front of the whole school is the perfect way to show your dedication and thoughtfulness. It is also foolproof because your subject will feel so bad that they say yes just because they pity you. A win is a win if you ask me!

Plan B:

If this doesn’t work out for you, you can always ask your cousin to go with you (the more distant the better). Love potions, blackmail, and hiring escorts are also viable options. 

***I am not responsible for any damage that may occur as a result of following these steps. It worked for me and if it doesn’t work for you then you are the problem. Who is my date? Uhhhh you wouldn’t know him. He actually goes to a different school.