Dear Spotify,

You are the bane of my existence.

Every year, your stupid little “Wrapped” comes out, and I tap, furiously, through the Instagram stories of my peers posting their top artists from your colorful, aesthetically pleasing app. It is laid out elaborately, and you even give them personality types. Have you ever considered that this is stupid? It’s juvenile, the high-school equivalent of taking “Which My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Character Are You” quizzes with your 9-year old friends, fawning over and judging each other’s responses. Your best friend was SO not Rainbow Dash, she was definitely an Applejack, and you were born to be Rainbow Dash, so why did it say you were Twilight Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle is a loser nerd!

Sure, maybe I’m angry because my Apple Music Replay is kind of ugly looking, and it doesn’t tell me what percentage of listeners I’m in. It only tells me that I’m in the top 100 listeners, which makes me sound less fun and quirky and more like I have a mental problem. But my listening habits have nothing to do with my mental problems! If they did, I wouldn’t know because I don’t use Spotify, so I can’t be told that my listening type is “Maybe a Little Insane.” Hey, maybe I don’t like that Apple Music Replay has so many fewer features than Spotify Wrapped. I don’t know what city my music taste got assigned to. I don’t get to know the extremely specific genres that I fit into. But that isn’t why I’m upset, I swear. I’m upset because you’re exhibiting shameless consumerism, just generating mentions of yourself on Twitter. It’s greedy.

 I know that Spotify is free, but I don’t like listening to ads after every song, and my mommy pays for Apple Music. Have any of you even considered that? Think about that the next time you send out someone’s Spotify Wrapped. Think about how that person is going to ask their friend for theirs, and the friend will be forced to awkwardly hand over their Apple Replay, or say “I use Amazon Music,” and run away in shame. Think about their beautiful, hardworking mothers whose money you are wasting by encouraging their children to use Spotify.

It’s a form of bullying, is what it is. It’s alienating people, and enforcing a capitalist, brand-loyal mindset. And bullying is wrong, Spotify. I was bullied once, for being a sort of Twilight Sparkle-esque kid who really liked reading and didn’t have too many friends. I am going to lose friends again, because of everyone’s love for your stupid, silly Spotify Wrapped. All I have ever wanted in life was to be the Rainbow Dash friend, Spotify. You, single handedly, are ruining my chances of attaining this. She was the cool one. Every year, I try to be seen as the cool one, and every year, my hopes are dashed when you release Spotify Wrapped. I am back to taking the personality quizzes, back to Twilight Sparkle.

…But when you really think about it, Twilight was pretty rad. She was an alicorn, man. An alicorn. A horn AND wings. That’s cool as hell. Why do people chase after having a Spotify Wrapped, being the Rainbow Dash friend? Maybe Apple Replay could be cool. It told me I’m in the top 100 listeners of a band I like. That’s pretty cool, that I get to know the exact number of people and not just a percentage, and it’s probably not even a symptom of anything. Be proud of your music streaming service, I say! Pandora, Apple Music, or even being an avid listener of CDs! No more striving for some popular ideal with a packed color scheme! Be proud of who you are!!

I’m not going to use Spotify, or want to use Spotify anymore. I’m going to be happy using my mom’s money to NOT listen to ads. In a way, I couldn’t have come to this conclusion without you, Spotify. I guess… that really is the Magic of Friendship. 

Thank you for listening,

Minty Parker, certified Twilight Sparkle Friend and Apple Music user