As seniors, we have accumulated a vast amount of wisdom and knowledge over the past three years, which we now provide you with. Here is one last guide on how to survive Valentine’s Day at Enloe High School!

• Build an “avoid” list

• • There are many spots where couples will congregate and spread their “joy” and “love,” something some of y’all know little about. At the bare minimum, we recommend avoiding the atrium–PDA galore–and Chick-fil-A, with couples indulging in heart-shaped trays.

• Swipe up on people posting their partner and reply “They must be funny.”

• • It should have been YOU ❣️. Not that we are encouraging anything that may be “toxic” and may make you appear “jealous,” but it would be funny–hypothetically speaking. 

• Drown your sorrows with Cheerwine

• • If you are still reading this, then the only pink and red you are likely to be seeing on Wednesday is the smooth, crisp, and sweet cherry soda known as Cheerwine. If you are going to cry in your car in the senior lot at 3:07 p.m., don’t do it alone. At least have something to comfort you…even if it’s a sweet drink and not a partner. 

• Tune into your inner “Lana Del Rey” 
  • Two recommendations: Are you feeling sad and lonely? Immediately put those Airpods on and put all of Ultraviolence in your queue. Feeling satisfied, happy, and joyous? Diet Mountain Dew, Brooklyn Baby, Let the Light In, Carmen, and High By the Beach will be blessings to your ears. While your heart may not be full of love, at least your ears will be ❣️

• Jacob Elordi
  • Free period? Saltburn. Are all of your lunch friends out with their partners for lunch on the 14th? Saltburn. One thing’s not changing, and it’s the looks of–as Renee Rapp put it–“baby girl.” 

• Participate in “Galentines”

• • Maybe the real relationship is the friends you made along the way. Why not celebrate your friends who supported you through each failed talking stage and partners with obvious major red flags? It’s never too late to hit up Trader Joe’s for snacks and drinks before heading over to Dorothea Dix Park for a splendid galentines picnic. 

As you can see, we’ve accumulated a vast amount of knowledge about Valentine’s Day and how to survive the big day at Enloe. Unfortunately, this will be your last guide from this duo. But, if you want more advice in the future, make sure to contact 1-800-SATIRE or [email protected].