If You’re Reading This, I Have Won: My Pitch at My Own Column

If+You%E2%80%99re+Reading+This%2C+I+Have+Won%3A+My+Pitch+at+My+Own+Column

Hello, babies and degenerates. Recently, people have been asking me, “How would you describe your Twitter?” Well, to that I would say that’s a toughie, but if I was to explain, visualise this: You are in Boston, Massachusetts’ Seafood Warehouse district. So like, so many Italians. And all of ’em, scared for their lives. You, you’re driving 180 mph in a school zone.

I know what you’re thinking: a school zone in the Seafood Warehouse section of Boston? Well, where are the fish people’s fish children going to learn to befriend shrimp, ya fascist? You don’t even care about the good fish people of Boston, do you? I bet you don’t pay taxes.

Anyway,  you’re running ‘em over, ya know, GTA V style. And fish are flying everywhere. All the while, one hand has a pencil to paper, the line moving with the 180 mph force of your 2005 Kia Sorento. That paper is a Bounty paper towel – after all, it is the Quicker Picker Upper. That paper towel–that is my Twitter.