Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire.
The Eagle’s Eye has arranged an exclusive exposé interview with NeeDoh celebrity, Nice Cube, revealing disturbing truths about the life of a NeeDoh. Tiring days filled with abuse are pushed under the rug while nobody hears their side of the story. Until now.
When asked to describe a day in the life of a NeeDoh, Cube replied, “It’s a harsh life. I wake up with my owner, Ava Johnson, at 5:45 AM, she tosses me in her bookbag with a couple of my family members, and we head to school. Following that, all day nonstop, I’m used by all of her friends. They squash, squeeze, toss me, and it doesn’t end until she goes to sleep.”
Another point Cube touched on was the various trends surrounding NeeDohs, such as videos where people drown their NeeDohs in oil. Cube also highlighted the one where a person brutally smashes one of the NeeDohs to the song “Pushing It Down and Praying” by Lizzy McAlpine.
“‘Softer, harder, in-between.’ Some days I wish it were only me being abused, if just to save fellow family members Dream Drop and Nice Ice Baby from the humiliation of it all,” selflessly proclaimed Cube.
When asked to expound on the “humiliation of it all,” Cube showed us the most de-fidgetizing side of this entire experience: “dust.” Cube murmured through the grime. Cube also shared a story told to them by a cousin, Nice Berg: “One day, [Berg’s] owner, a teacher, left them out during a class. Of course, the kids went wild, tossing Berg all around until they fell behind a chair. They weren’t found until a month later. A month later, completely covered in dust.”
Cube also noted the disregard of their pain from their users, exclaiming “Nails, man. Everybody thinks it’s cute to give us sharp press-ons from Walmart. Well, I don’t find it cute. People are so surprised when their NeeDohs pop after digging a nail and a half into our rubber. Like, shocker!”
Although NeeDohs like Cube have expressed disgust over their societal treatment, many NeeDoh owners have understated the depth of these issues. Our focus is soon to turn to one of the biggest consumers in the NeeDoh game, and she has a lot to say about them…
“My name is Ava Johnson, and I have spent somewhere between $300-400 dollars on Needohs.”
Johnson justifies her addiction, saying, “I like having my NeeDohs so I’m not bored all the time. I can bring them to school and share them with my friends, ‘cause everyone likes a NeeDoh! There are just so many pretty colors, and NeeDohs are just so diverse. And they’re so nice to hold…” Upon inquiry, Johnson elaborated, explaining, “NeeDohs just make my life complete. You can be sitting by yourself in your bedroom with your NeeDoh and you’re never really alone. It’s just always there for you. It’s kind of a support for me. That’s why I have so many.”
Despite her ignorance of the pain that NeeDohs face, Johnson claims to be very close and personal with her own. Johnson views NeeDohs as voluntary companions and goes as far as to characterize them: “The Dream Drop? She’s cute, she’s pretty, she loves to crack a joke every now and then. My fave, the Swirl Purple NeeDoh, she’s always up for an adventure, you know? She just loves that. She’s up for anything, any class, all the time.” But, not all of her NeeDohs have bubbly personalities; her Teenie NeeDoh, though only a few centimeters all around, is a massive source of ire: “He’s getting pretty close to popping, and he’s just getting on my nerves. Very agitating, annoying.”
Johnson was asked what the Enloe population would look like today if all NeeDohs were removed from their owners’ custody. The scenario she gave was severe. “I would say riots, protests, definitely a walkout. There would also be posters all over the atrium that read ‘Bring our NeeDohs back!’ I think as a community we’d be pretty upset, both emotionally and monetarily. I don’t think I could live without my 60-70 NeeDohs. Genuinely. ”
When asked about NeeDoh’s impact on her finances, she declined to comment.
Having now seen both sides of the story, we at The Eagle’s Eye encourage Eagles to stay respectful and aware of NeeDoh rights issues. Treat others the way you want to be treated, NeeDohs included.
