Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The student, secret staff, and Society are all fictitious.
Interested in joining a new club? At Enloe High School, you certainly have a lot of options, from Model UN to the Enloe Literary Organization. Yet, it’s important to note that some clubs are significantly more selective than others. Many of us have heard of honor societies, but another type of Society is currently on the rise, one notorious for its elite membership and rigorous application process. The Society’s founder is the most reliable source of information about the club, but contacting him is difficult, as he keeps his identity hidden. Nevertheless, we at The Eagle’s Eye were able to reach him through his school email ([email protected]) and arranged an exclusive interview. Here’s everything you need to know.
The founder first shared his preferred pseudonym: Jay Gould. With a vague accent, he added, “I wanted a byname that fits my Robber Baron aesthetic. After all, if this high school were postbellum America, would I not be a ruthless multimillionaire? True talent will always be rewarded.” After some redirection, he quickly continued, “This school is oversaturated with honor societies — I’m convinced that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all — so I felt obligated to found Enloe’s very first Secret Society. It’s been very successful.” (Gould did confess that despite attending multiple interest meetings, he has never completed an honor society application; he claimed, “The due dates always seem to slip my mind.”) We inquired about the name of said Society and received an ambiguous response: “I’ve considered … several options, including … Valedictorian Support Group (VSG) … [and] the Gang of Five.” We infer that this number refers to the members’ grade point averages.
Although Gould has a tendency for obscurity, there was one point that he made perfectly clear. He told us, “I’m not doing any of this for my college applications. I’m just not.” When we asked about his higher education ambitions, he replied, “I’ll have you know that Ivy Leagues would be desperate to recruit a person such as myself.” Eyes becoming glassy, he mumbled something about a “hand-delivered letter” written in his “favorite font.”
Considering Gould’s obvious prowess, it’s easy to see why he’s a difficult person to impress. Expanding membership to include other Enloe students is a rather sore point. Regarding current applicants, he sighed, “They’re all just mediocre, and their self-reported hours appear rather dubious. While I do accept work at for-profits as a form of service, my main concern is that the service never occurred in the first place.” An interest meeting is possibly in the works; according to Gould, “If I want it to happen, it will happen.” He also mused about an initiation activity involving the East Building pool. As for activities at Society meetings, Gould explained that members act as Teacher Assistants for Enloe’s secret staff: the Data Disorganizer (who rounds up 89.4s to 89.5s), the Un-Registrar (who removes overwhelmed students from AP classes), and the School Dentist (who only appears at hockey games).
Gould ended the interview on a cryptic note: “My club may not be the first at Enloe to go extinct, but I assure you that it will be the last.”
