Untold Drugs of Today’s Teens and How to Mix Them


I have never done drugs in my life. That is objective. But two events in my recent past have inspired me to flatter with the idea of indulging in them, especially in combination. The first event that inspired this was following the Air Waves Podcast which features a senior member of @raleighiceereview, a food review account spearheaded by Ella Cifaldi. In the podcast, members spoke of the psychedelic effects accompanying the combination of blue raspberry and cherry ICEEs, which, according to Cifaldi “made me feel off my friggin’ bonkers.” Eagle’s Eye staff are still trying to decode the true meaning of this statement.

The second incidence of drug use that made me think of this endeavor was a TikTok in which an artsy girl with a combover colorblocked a pair of Air Forces to King Krule. The colorblocking was okay, but the more important result was that it made me, in defiance, think of mixing (as opposed to blocking) the colors, and consequently, mixing drugs . . . As of the publication of this paper, my ideas go as follows:

  1. Cadderall and school. Look. If we’re going to be honest, this is a pretty basic-level combo. Tons of kids do it; how would someone be able to manage 7 APs, MBSA, and speech and debate practice all at the same time? This flavor may not be super profound, but it is a classic Enloe mix.
  2. Instagram and unnecessary accounts. This would classify as a LETHAL combo as the CDC has labeled it on par with the danger levels found in crack, heroin, and molly. With the introduction of trite, frivolous accounts like Enloe Hair, Enloe Fits, and Enloe Accounts, this concoction is just something that should not even be attempted by the experienced user.
  3. Vape juice and Cookout. What’s worse than having your lungs lined with oils from hitting a Juul 24/7? Downing it all with a milkshake and tortilla . . . Summer is coming sweetheart, is that really a good decision?
  4. Kleptomania and Wegmans. Bro. Imagine getting caught stealing from Wegmans. It’s not like that would happen to a cohort of upper-middle class seniors with sufficient trust funds indulging in theft for the thrill of downing a boat of possibly-stolen sushi that you paired with an old receipt in an attempt to look more inconspicuous. No one would ever do that. Like are we amateurs?
  5. Nepotism and Academic Dishonesty. No __club advisor__ noooo I would never ask you or a member of admin to give me easier teachers or overlook late assignments or not take my attendance nooooooo.
  6. Cocaine and Molly. This is a satirical article in a satirical piece but I know some of you will be hurt by this so yes I am being sarcastic.
  7. Bathrooms and stall doors. This combo is designated by HOSA as a stimulant, as you defecate faster in combo.
  8. Dix Park and Sundown. It closes at sundown sweetheart this isn’t Central Park and let’s not pretend that it is, get a room or go to Fletcher.
  9. Senioritis and Ambitious Juniors. This combo has depressing effects, as elder class members become increasingly exploitative of their younger peers’ unhinged ambitions to maintain their GPAs.
  10. TikTok and Coronavirus. At the beginning of my writing this article, there were five isolated cases in the US. There are now over 142,000, domestically. This combination is to be used in a LAST RESORT scenario, as it is the most addictive combo that has been fruited from this list. Be very careful, and Renegade correctly . . . renegade . . . Renegade . . . RENEGADE . . .


Some of these drugs may or may not be real, but for the record: no, we do not condone drug use of any kind. These substances (especially TikTok) are highly addictive and should not be used independently or mixed; however, if you want the aforementioned effects, you should probably mix them as stated.