The World Needs a New Al Capone, It’s Time

In an era where the selfish 1% socioeconomic class of billionaires have worshipping fanbases, it’s time to bring back a true debonair man of the people, a Robin-Hoodesque symbol if you will. He will not pretend to be perfect – he might not even be a he – but you bet he will appreciate the finer things in life. I’m here to offer Al Capone as the prototype — minus the murder and tax evasion, of course. 

There was something so utterly delectable about the sphere of Chicago crime that Alphonse Gabriel Capone called his home. It was about survival and gumption, ruthlessness towards your enemies, and fierce loyalty to your brothers. And with enough of this tenacity, it could also very well mean eventually achieving a life of luxury and extravagance. To be honest, the Chicago mob scene reflected the American dream more than any system within the law could.

Do people cheer when Mark Zuckerburg appears at baseball games the way they did for Al Capone? I don’t know for certain because his paleness tells me sitting in the stands is probably not one of his pastimes, but I sincerely doubt it. 

Capone understood us. He understood the people. The power and influence that comes with appeasing the masses and furthermore, advocating for them. At a time when the Italians and black people of New York City were pitted against one another, Capone had the back of some of the era’s most talented black jazz musicians. At a time when the government denied them, Capone provided hard-working Americans of Chicago their right to indulge at the time of a long workday.

Capone made donations to many charities as well, which upheld his reputation as the Robin Hood of his time — a time before public image was tweaked and fine-tuned into oblivion. When billionaires of today try their hand at philanthropy, it feels like a tactic designed by their handsomely-paid PR teams during a spinny-chair meeting in some poor attempt to relate to their lowly subjects. 

An obvious requirement of this societal occupation is that you must be fabulous. Even when Capone was imprisoned, he decked his cell with hedonism: fine furniture, lavish rugs, tasteful paintings, and the like. If you don’t have your fancy radio playing waltzes that echo throughout the penitentiary, you’re probably not doing prison right.

We miss authenticity and genuity from the upper echelons of society. It does not come from a place of jealousy for their wealth, merely frustration as its source and the actions taken to get it. Who’s to say whether the current legal exploitation is any more ethical than Capone’s methods? When you live with a target on your back, you can’t afford to be disingenuous. You simply ram a fat Cuban cigar between your teeth and take on the world as it comes.

If you’ve always thought you’d like to try your hand at being a heroic outlaw – if you’ve been waiting for a window of opportunity – I say now is your moment. And if you just want to support local businesses, I encourage you to look into your local mob scene.