As the summer breeze turns into a winter chill, it’s time to put away our jorts, iced matcha lattes, and over-sized button ups with only the first button done up. With the change of seasons comes a cozier wardrobe, heartier cuisine, and the season of love and relationships. And what better way to show your devotion to women than with a bit of style and tact? Even in spite of the cold, there are still a myriad of ways to show women that YOU listen to Clairo. This is how to have a performative male winter.
- Swap out your iced matcha lattes for a hot chai
No women-respecting man can be seen on the streets without his signature green, nut-milky, sweet treat. But as the temperature drops and we start to shiver at the thought of drinking an iced beverage, it’s time to switch it up. The perfect alternative? A hot chai latte. Guys, just think about it. We love matcha because it’s exotic and from Japan, and now in winter, we get to show that we’re culturally sensitive by buying another new and exotic cultural drink!
When women inevitably flock to you and ask you where you got your latte, simply respond with: “I couldn’t stand to worsen the matcha shortage in Japan, and, seeing how women were the ones who initially popularized the drink in The West, I figured it was my duty to STOP drinking matcha. I’ve taken it upon myself to explore new cuisines and I’ve discovered this new drink called chai. It’s really niche.” The best part is, this phrase is only three sentences and 55 words! Easy to memorize and whip out at any time for all the ladies.
- What to wear to keep warm and stay feminist
Choosing what to wear in the morning is one of the hardest parts of the day. It’s the critical moment that makes or breaks your daily performance. As we all adjust to new ways of showing women that we care, here is a complete outfit to buy and wear out and about.
Layer a (sustainable) striped button up under a (sustainable) blue wool sweater and a (sustainable) black pleather jacket. Add an attention grabbing pattern through a (sustainable) thrifted scarf, or better yet, knit it yourself and bring your needles and skeins of yarn with you for a day in downtown. For your lower half, pair the outfit with (sustainable) striped flowy dresspants or corduroy dresspants, footie long johns, and (sustainable) black loafers.
As for accessories, you can keep sporting your totebags, carabiners, ring stacks, and Italian charm bracelets. Swap out your bracelet links with the acronym “EPC” for “End Period Cramps,” “TPTIS” for “The Pink Tax Is Real,” or a classic “I <3 WOMEN.” Don’t forget to throw on a pearl necklace and some small silver hoops. Attach your (sustainable) Lafufu to the belt loops in your corduroy dress pants.
When asked about where you got your (sustainable) outfit, the answer is easy because all of the pieces from this outfit are from SHEIN. Don’t be a gatekeeper, the ladies love the global supply chain and when you tell them where you got your outfit from.
- A symphony of sympathy
Women will only love you if they know you have good taste, be it in sweet treats, fashion, or music. Thus, the final step towards your performative male winter is studying women-loving music theory. To spot the music that shows women you care, the first step is learning how to read sheet music. The mnemonic “Every Good Boy Deserves Faye Webster” makes it easy to remember both how to read treble clef and how to draw attention from women wherever you go.
Buy these headphones that look like earmuffs to keep warm and keep blasting Laufey while you peruse vintage stores and buy French pastries downtown. Make sure to occasionally take your headphones off and hang them around your neck, or hold one side to your ear while facing the other side out to make sure everyone knows what you’re listening to. For bonus points, wear your wired earbuds inside of your headphones so you can listen to Lorde and a feminist audiobook at the same time.
Now, you’re ready to hit the town and face the world of women. Use these tips wisely, and the ladies will swarm around you. Now that you’ve nailed the art of capturing their attentive orbs, you will need to learn how to keep their minute attention spans. Talking to women is hard and scary, so it’s a good thing that your outward appearance is sure to do 89% of the job for you. Tune in next time to learn how to catapult yourself into the top 10% of men that women select from by learning how to speak to the species’ better half. This has been your guide on how to have a performative male winter, catch us in the spring for an updated handbook on loving women in warmer weather.
