You’ve heard of Singing Valentines. You’ve heard of Singing Breakups. Now, brought to you by Enloe’s talented Choral Department, comes a new, more frightening variant: Singing Situationships!
Not sure what’s happening between you and a certain individual? Want to pressure them into making a choice in front of a jury of your peers? Want to loudly announce via live entertainment that they want to treat you like you’re in a relationship but refuse to commit? Singtuationships are perfect for you. Order one, and your significantly avoidant other will receive a passive-aggressive note written entirely in lowercase (for an additional fee, you can add a single emoji), as well as a performance of one of the following songs of your choice.
Washing Machine Heart – Mitski
Not wearing your usual lipstick for Valentine’s Day? Order this performance to make sure they know that you know that they’re using you. For best results, send this to a class that they have with their other situationship that you both refuse to address. Chamber Choir 1000% guarantees that they will receive dirty looks from the entire school after this performance. You’re making someone relate to a song off of Be the Cowboy? They will all whisper. You’re a monster, and you deserve what’s coming to you.
The Chain – Fleetwood Mac
No one understands a situationship better than Fleetwood Mac, who are, like, if the messiest high school friend group you know were also musical geniuses. This is for the situationships that are more angry than they are sad. Unlike the typical Singing Valentine or Singtuationship, this song comes with an instrumental! It just wouldn’t hit the same without the drums that are perfectly timed to the eye twitch you’re developing due to the stress of this “relationship.” If you’re thinking about ordering this, I recommend breaking things off with them immediately after. Girl, if they don’t love you now, they will never love you again!
Good Luck, Babe! – Chappell Roan
For the WLW warriors at Enloe, let your allegedly straight girl best friend that treats you like a girlfriend and won’t stop threatening to name her firstborn after you know that you’re sick of it. I didn’t say her name, but I know she came to mind! Unfortunately, she’s gonna have to stop the world just to stop the feeling, and hopefully this Singtuationship hammers that one home. Or it won’t, and it’ll take another 5-10 years until she wakes up (in the middle of the night, her head in her hands, she’s nothing more than his wife). But at least you have this off your chest now!
All the Things She Said – t.A.T.u
For the MLM mourners at Enloe—hey, is this Heated Rivalry? Is your not-boyfriend a Broughton student?
Just kidding. Broughton doesn’t have any athletes good enough to be your rival, king. They’re just heated. #WINLOE #SKOEAGS #CACAWWWW
The actual song you should order?
Last Christmas – WHAM!
Even if it isn’t Christmas, George Micheal and Andrew Ridgley knocked it out of the park with this situationship-appropriate song. Did they give your heart away? Is one of you gay and famous? Is the other one of you straight and kinda obscure? Are they a person whose name you’d only know if you, say, did something crazy like listen to a WHAM! song 300 times? That’s really specific, but it has to apply to a few of you, so it’s on the list of offerings.
The Perfect Pair – Beabadoobee
This song is just like a situationship: people on TikTok think it’s romantic when it is actually so cruel that it should be classified as a lethal weapon. This isn’t recommended if the object of your complicated feelings isn’t great at media analysis. They might misinterpret you basically begging them to admit that you aren’t good for each other as an endorsement of their behavior. Enloe Chamber Choir holds no legal responsibility for what may happen after you order this Singtuationship.
Linger – The Cranberries
In the wise words of a bumper sticker I once saw on Pinterest: “Keep honking! I’m sitting in my car crying to The Cranberries 1993 hit single Linger.” Trust me, you will be crying after this performance. Keep yearning, brave soldier.
No matter what your relationship is like, music is a great way to communicate, while also supporting Enloe’s Choral Department. If live music doesn’t do the trick, try vagueposting one of these songs on your Instagram notes! It’ll work this time, trust me.
If you’re in a real relationship for some reason, or want to send out some platonic appreciation this February 14th, although your window to buy a Singing Valentine has closed (unlike your situationship, Enloe’s choral department has clear boundaries), you can send out an ELO poetry-gram. Find them at https://tr.ee/YmLOFTfsBq.
