THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE.
This Wednesday, both Cook Out restaurants on New Bern Ave have announced a ban on high school students entering their premises, effective immediately, after an incident involving Enloe students.
“Man, y’all are why we can’t have nice things,” complained Kathryn Palmer, a ninth grader. “Where else am I supposed to go during lunch?”
“One second I was eating my burger with lettuce, tomato, mayo, cheesecake, bacon, anchovies, bacon, cheddar cheese, bacon, and hushpuppies on the side, and then I saw a bunch of people standing up and pushing each other. I was like ‘are we really doing this now?’ They kept fighting until some cops came and tackled three of [them] to the ground, but the rest jumped over the counter and ran out the back,” recalled tenth grader Jeremy Pershing.
The incident involved a friend group of six to seven Enloe students who went off campus during first lunch on Wednesday to order bacon wrap burgers with even more entrees as sides. However, they arrived after members of the Enloe kickball team, “The Balling Eagles,” who the friend group claimed were their “biggest opps” after a humiliating loss to them in the Charity Ball Kickball Tournament, had claimed their place in line. Frustrated over having to order second, the former members of the “The Final Kickers” got into a fight with the “The Balling Eagles,” resulting in police being called.
“How dumb do you have to be to fight at Cook Out?,” asked Kathryn Palmer.
Raleigh Police arrested three members of “The Final Kickers” at the scene, however the remaining members fled and have reportedly gone into hiding in the bushes surrounding the senior lot.
It is unclear if the ban on high schoolers will be temporary or permanent, and comes just months after a gas station near Enloe also banned students. Justified or not, it seems that Enloe students have some vocal impressions of the ban.
“Honestly, [I love] them for ruining this for us, [I love] Cook Out for banning us, in fact, [I love] all of y’all, I hope that they [live happily forever],” remarked senior Adelaide Montgomery.
“Instead of kickball, they got kicked out. That’s crazy. Imagine going 0-8 and then getting in a fight. I hope they kick them off the team. No pun intended,” spoke sophomore Fentley Kicks.
“Every day that I leave this building, I risk getting suspended just to get some Cook Out,” complained an anonymous ninth grader. “After AP Physics C and Calc AB/BC I just want a milkshake, y’know?”
The Eagles’ Eye was unable to receive their name due to them running away from a nearby admin. If you are that student, please use this form to confirm your name.
No matter their feelings, it seems that for now, Enloe students will have to go elsewhere to find a meal.
“Maybe after Calc, I’ll have to go to Wendy’s from now on.”
UPDATE: Thursday morning, WRAL released a news article on the event detailing the incident. New information includes Cook Out’s updated ID policy that will require shoppers to have a driver’s license to prove that they did not walk there from Enloe.
Prospective diners will also be trespassed for life if they have any altercations there as a student.
CORRECTION: A previous version of this article incorrectly reported that Jeremy Pershing was eating hushpuppies. The article has been updated to reflect his actual meal.
This is a work of satire. Neither Cook Out, WRAL, or WCPSS staff have announced any changes in policy or made any statements. All names and characters are fictitious and do not describe real people.
