THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE
“Yeah, we just give up,” proclaimed former Governor Josh Stein, announcing that the State of North Carolina was kinda just done.
From Jan. 31 to Feb. 1, all 100 counties of North Carolina saw snow for the first time in 12 years. While we may have been completely scammed here in Raleigh, most across the state saw over 6 inches of snow, with many seeing over a foot.
North Carolina is notorious for being unequipped to handle winter weather. Take Snowmageddon 2014 for example. From Feb. 12-13, 2014, the Raleigh area received only 4-5 inches of snow. The state quickly devolved into a major conniption.
Cars were sliding off of the road. One blew up. People were stuck on the road for hours. People abandoned their vehicles. It was total chaos.
Despite the mishandlings of this event, even if we weren’t the best at handling snow, we knew we would survive. Until now.
Former Governor Josh Stein, announcing the end of North Carolina, said, “Look, we didn’t get a lot of snow here in Raleigh. We looked out the window the morning after and thought, ‘That’s not a lot, we’ll be fine.’ Suddenly, I get a call from some random guy in the DOT, and turns out some people in the middle of nowhere got over a foot of snow. We don’t know how to handle that, so why even try?”
Former Secretary of Transportation Daniel Johnson agreed, proclaiming, “Yeah, just no. Do you really expect me to clear all of that? This snow just revealed that a solid 30% of our roads were basically suggestions anyways. Couple that with your average North Carolina driver, and it’s like a living nightmare for all of us.”
Despite the total lack of government oversight, some valiant workers attempted help for some reason. A highway patrol officer stated, “Hey, my guys and I tried a bit. One of our cars got stuck in a Waffle House parking lot, and we sort of just decided to call it a day. Seriously though, how are these guys always open?” When asked how he planned to get home, he supposed, “Ehh, I’ll just stay at the Waffle House. They have everything I need. Good waffles. Good entertainment.”
The Eagle’s Eye did some investigating to determine what the organized emergency snow response would have been had the government not given up. We imagined it would be a long, well thought out protocol, but it turns out our emergency snow plan was literally just a Google doc that said ‘pray.’
When asked about which members of the government would remain employed after the permanent closure, Stein proclaimed, “Yeah nobody. We’re kind of just done you know. Like, look at all of the weather this state has. We just got a snow storm, and next thing you know it’s hurricane time, and let me tell you those things are so annoying. You’re telling me that all because I’m something called a ‘governor,’ that means I have to help the state repair from them? So stupid…”
Doubts have been expressed over the ability of North Carolina to sustain itself following the collapse of its government. The idea of turning to the federal government for support was raised quickly. When confronted with the news, President Donald Trump, behind closed doors, reportedly said, “I don’t care. Only care about Greenland.”
On the matter of who could run the state now, Stein said, “I don’t know bro. Just like, ask ChatGPT or Grok or something. I don’t know how to do this. We gave up for a reason you know? Stop talking to me, I submitted my papers like an hour ago.”
By papers, we assume Stein meant the resignation papers he submitted to Secretary of State Elaine Marshall, even though she had already resigned earlier that morning, despite the fact that she had served in the role since 1997.
Former Governor Stein delivered his farewell address via an Instagram story, which featured Stein posing on a beach in Virginia, with the caption stating, “Not my problem now. Luv yall bye.”
When we asked AI for a potential candidate for the next governor of North Carolina, it returned several options, among them being Michael Jordan, Reneé Rapp, MrBeast, and best of all, Dr. Jordan. We can only assume it has also somehow given up.
We at The Eagle’s Eye are fully prepared to provide any support necessary to our readers as we move forward through this treacherous time. As of writing this, the forecast gives us another few inches of snow this weekend. Apparently it can get worse.
