Pixar Secedes from Disney Following Third Straight-to-Streaming Premiere

Disclaimer: This is SATIRE. Everything in this article is false. Pixar is still a part of Disney and animators do in fact have social lives.

Counter Disclaimer: Ok, so that last part might be a lie, but here we go…

In a landmark move by Pixar, the animation studio has taken action to formally secede from its parent company, Disney. 

Since the start of the pandemic, The Walt Disney Company has been distributing new Pixar films through their streaming service, Disney+, in an effort to maintain their status as the number one movie monopoly of the world while using the medium to finally appeal to the most foreign of Disney focus groups: teenagers. The method has been successful for the streaming mogul, with the three films in question (Soul, Luca, and Turning Red) receiving acclaim from both fans and the wallets of Disney Executives. 

However, not all effects of this move have been positive. Many Pixar employees showed disdain for the choice, claiming that it demonstrated little regard for the artists and animators who worked on these movies for years, sacrificing their time and “social lives”, all for a two second clip of a rock falling down a hill in the background. 

Now, the tension has finally boiled over. On March 32, a spokesperson for Pixar, Sheriff Woody, issued a formal statement on the company’s behalf: “We here at Pixar have allowed Disney to poison the waterhole for too long. We now see no further course of action than to formally secede from the company, and remove the snake that’s been in our boot. To Disney: We hope this allows you to see the error of your ways, so that your deputies of the future do not suffer the same mistreatment Pixar has. So long, partner.”

When asked by the Eagle’s Eye what caused the decision to finally part ways, long-time Pixar employee Tow Mater responded, “This pandemic’s been hard on us all. With no movies or theme park merch to sell, we’ve all been struggling. Heck, Mr. Incredible’s started working birthday parties for crying out loud! Hearing that other companies owned by Disney, like Marvel, have been getting theatrical premieres just seemed insulting! Look at Spiderman! That guy’s owned by Sony and they still gave him more time and effort than us. That just didn’t seem like something we wanted to be a part of.”

While most Pixar employees support the decision, some are coming to the defense of Disney’s actions. In an interview with the Eagle’s Eye, Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear called for patience on all sides: “Everyone’s had to make tough calls in this difficult time, but Disney’s seen us through 16 good years.” he said, “I think we all just need to come together and talk things out.” To hear more from Mr. Lightyear, see Lightyear coming to theaters June 17, 2022. 

No comments have been released from the Walt Disney Company in response to the event, except for a cryptic post from an old twitter account. The post in question contains an image of Mickey Mouse in a top hat with the caption “A mouse divided against itself can not stand.”

With no reconciliation in sight, Pixar has begun to develop their first independent projects, cementing their split from the House of Mouse for good. 

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