College Board Shuts Down, Effective Immediately


College Board CEO David Coleman recently made the fatal mistake of searching ‘College Board’ on Twitter and faced a barrage of mean tweets from angsty teenagers who had fallen victim to the organization. User @absurd_username complained about their score of a 1 last year in AP English Literature, saying, “I don’t understand why I got such a low score last year during online exams. My essay was really well-written, I copied and pasted it straight from SparkNotes.” One Enloe senior tweeted about their 2 in APUSH last year: “I studied really hard. I listened to the entire Hamilton soundtrack, twice.” 

Other students had more legitimate concerns about the expensive costs of the exams. One freshman tweeted, “There’s really no reason why my family should have to take out a second mortgage just to pay for my AP Human Geography exam. Do better College Board. #collegeboardisoverparty.” However, it is unclear why students are frustrated because College Board’s website clearly says the organization is a non-profit. “It’s not as if I’m making money off of these students”, said the College Board CEO, as he stepped onto his yacht. “You know, for all of these students’ talk about how AP classes are ruining their mental health, they sure don’t care about how these tweets affect me. I mean, how am I supposed to use my phone to increase exam costs when I keep getting Twitter notifications from @edgy_teen_4lyfe blocking my screen?”

Because of these tweets, College Board has decided to shut down to give themselves time for creating new marketing techniques, in hopes of “humanizing” themselves with the teens. Ideas currently being discussed include Day in the Life daily vlogs of the College Board executives and weekly Instagram photo dumps from AP curriculum makers. As a result of this shutdown, all AP exams and SAT exams have been canceled. And for those who were registered: no, you will not be getting your money back. This actually qualifies as skipping the exam, so everyone will have to pay $40 for every exam they were supposed to take. For more information on how to pay these fees, please call 1-800-SATIRE.